(Edited for the web)
Held for Ransom
After two weeks of fear and speculation that something bad had happened to “The Belt”, an anonymous ransom letter arrived at the Hog Rock Café on Saturday afternoon, July 8th outlining the conditions necessary for it’s safe return. The late breaking story of the ransom letter occurred just hours before the Super Hog News was ready to go to press. The letter had a Theta Chi return address on the envelope. Attorney General Janet Reno was the first to express her outrage, “Not since the Lindberg baby was kidnapped has the nation experienced such a shocking and brazen act of terrorism. The FBI will be fully mobilized to support Sphinctlock Holmes hunt down the filthy dog who perpetrated this heinous crime.” Presidential candidate Al Gore immediately called for legislation to be quickly passed that would make kidnapping of Belts a federal crime. George Bush commented that he had already put 53 people to death in Texas for similar crimes, and would have the perpetrator extradited to his home state to stand trial if elected in the fall. Long time holder of “The Belt”, Macos was too overcome with emotion to speak. Speaking on his behalf, his wife Sally offered this warning, “My husband has not, and will not deal with terrorists. The Belt was like a part of his body. He never took it off. He often told me he loved “The Belt” more than he loved me. The first time in 18 years he puts it out for his public to admire, it is kidnapped. You can’t begin to imagine how emotionally distraught he is. Personally, I’m glad to see the damn thing go. It was kinky at first, but it quickly became just annoying. I hope they burn it.” President Clinton promised his support, “Hillary’s and my prayers go out to Macos. I have often fantasized myself of having the chance to wear “The Belt” someday and fondle those pert little golf knobs on it. I will not sleep until I get that chance.”
Famed hog terrorist expert Tony “Franco” DePaolo examined the ransom note for Super Hog News. He has personally experienced Hog terrorism at Dirt’s chandelier smashing birthday party. He gave us his assessment of the ransom letter.
Demand #1—The kidnapper obviously has some relationship with these two. Areno is known for his baloney hoagies. My guess is the kidnapper may have experienced nausea after eating the hoagie at the Grand Opening. Likely a case of bad baloneyitis prompted his rage. He probably owes a debt to a family member and is using this to repay it. My guess is that this Wendall is probably an in-law of some sort.
Demand #2—The kidnapper is a somewhat of a dim witted drone who doesn’t even know that Sly still retains the coveted “Biggest A-hole” title. He is probably one of society’s dregs, therefore he is likely in the Human Resources field where they congregate and his incompetence is easily masked. He probably wants a chance to replicate his crime and hold other items for ransom, which would explain his demand for another event so soon.
Demand #3—The kidnapper must play or have played for the Stable Hogs. He apparently takes great pleasure in eating and drinking for free. It is apparent that the present manager has been unable to fulfill his large appetite for these simple pleasures. He longs for someone who probably was able to support his addiction. He is likely a very portly person.
Demand #4—The kidnapper obviously suffers from illusions of grandeur. He probably tried for membership into the exclusive Super Hog club and got rejected. Embittered from the experience, he is trying to vicariously live the experience by demanding someone who is far less qualified than himself be inducted. Somehow diminishing the title will make him feel more qualified.
The Signature—By using the name A Hole, the kidnapper is obviously very proud of how big an a-hole he is. The name itself probably comes from a wife that uses the term on him liberally. She probably met him in college. They may have worked together in a bar or club where she first gave him the name. My guess is he also has several children, who also use this name for him.
The Return Address— By using Theta Chi as a return address, the kidnapper was trying to tell his victim that he was a member of this fraternity which was famous for the a-holes it produced. My guess is probably a late 60’s early 70’s vintage fraternity member. He probably imagined himself to be an athlete. They probably made him quarterback to stop his constant whining.
Summary—Find yourself a portly, beer & pizza eating, dim witted, Human Resources drone, who has a brother-in-law named Wendall, played for the Stable Hogs, was a early 70’s vintage Theta Chi whose wife calls him A Hole, and was rejected as a Super Hog and you got your man. Police where able to put together this computer composite based on Franco’s description.