Hasta La Vista Bitch
Finally, the last twelve tortured years of Terri Schiavo’s life have ended. Hogs across the world cheered the announcement. “It’s about fucking time. I swear if I saw one more picture of that vegetable on TV I was going to go over to that damn hospice myself and pump a slug into that mush pile she had for a brain”, said NRA spokesperson Charlton Heston. “Someone should have not only shot her, but her whole goddamn annoying family.”
About Fucking Time
The Pope jumped on Heston’s bandwagon. “I knew I could outlast that turnip. She was really starting to annoy me. I say, ‘Hasta-la-Vista Bitch!’
Get the fuck out of my deathwatch space. There is only so much press space for dying celebrities and I’m the head mother fucker in charge of this category goddamn it! I mean, why couldn’t she just have made up her own dead mind and died years ago.”
Get The Fuck Out Of My Space!
The Pope praised Bitty for his efforts. “Bitty really delivered the goods. I think this man should be considered for sainthood. In my last action as pope I nominate Saint Bitty of Atitty.
Saint Bitty of Atitty
I believed he has delivered the prerequisite three miracles. He’s kept Terri’s tits alive, he’s shared them with the world, and his efforts helped me sport a woody for the first time in 10 years after I checked out Terri’s ta-ta’s on Hog Rock. Not since Al Gore invented the Internet has there been a man who has brought more joy into the world.
Got Wood Here!
That beats any bullshit loaves and fishes miracles in my book. Tits are the shit that saints are made of these days.”
Key To Modern Day Sainthood
Internet inventor and former Presidential candidate Al Gore also spoke Bitty’s praises. “Back in the early eighties while I was busy inventing the Internet, I always had a vision of bringing tits into every home at the click of a mouse.
Point & Click Tits
I have talked with Bitty about consulting with me on my next enterprise called the Outernet, which will connect all the stars in the universe together. Bitty and I share the vision of a universe connected through an intergalactic portal called Intergalactic Cunny.”
Famed Internet Inventor Future of the Outernet
President Bush also expressed appreciation of Bitty’s greatness in the light of Terri Schiavo’s passing. “Nobody would have cared two shits about her rotting carcass if Bitty hadn’t stepped in and saved her tits. He's a man that transcends politics and could bring people together with diverse political dogmas such as Hillary Clinton and myself.
Diverse Political Dogmas
I see him as the kind of man who brings a creative force that can help us reinvent our government. Tomorrow I am going before congress and recommending we create a new cabinet position. I will ask that Mr. Bitty be appointed as the first Titmaster General of the United States.
Future Titmaster General?
His job will be to help proliferate tit access into our schools, homes and communities. We need someone to create future generations of titmeisters.”
Creating Future Generations of Titmeisters
Bitty was humbled by all the adulation. “I want to thank Terri Schiavo for making this all possible. My next mission is to reach out and save other underutilized tits. There are a lot of women out there whose tits are going to waste. I see myself as a milk dud miner who is willing to risk the perils of black lung disease to allow the world to enjoy his endeavor.
Milk Dud Mining Miner’s Occupational Disease
When I consider all the nuns, spinsters, divorcees and other vegetative women in this world whose nipples are just dying to poke through to see the light of day, I get douche chills.”
Douche Chilling Thought?
I hope one day to create a memorial to these lost national resources, which will be called The Karen Anne Quinlan Memorial.”
Karen Ann Quinlan Memorial