Searching for Shane
By Macos

Shane, I have just returned from a 6-day stay in your alleged homeland in the great north. I went there on a personal mission by hoping to dispel the vicious rumors that Stretch had been spreading around about your ethnic heritage and clear your good name. My goal was to interview as many Canadians as possible during my stay that would speak on your behalf and silence all that crap that Joe was spreading around about you and your family being runaway slaves.

Runaway Slave?

After my exhaustive investigative tour, I have come away questioning your true ethnic history. As you well know, I have always long defended your quirky ways at the expense of my own otherwise stellar reputation as a of a speaker of the truth and a defender of the less fortunate. When others were speaking behind your back saying your were "A strange visitor from another planet", I always had your back and voraciously defended your ways as part of your Canadian cultural upbringing. Suffice to say, no one went to the wall for you more than me.

Voracious Shane Defender

Well, my long and extensive Canadian investigation has left me shaken in my faith and trust in you. I personally interviewed well over 33,000,000 people and asked each one of them if they knew of Shane Gabie or, as they say in Quebec, Shane gay-Bee'. Much to my chagrin, there was not one stinkin' Canadian that has heard of you. Far worse, they all told me that all Canadians know each other and that there has never been a Shane Gabie that has every lived in a Canadian. The only person that said he knew of a Shane Gabie was a foreign cab driver from Chad.

Chadian, not Canadian?

He told me that in his country there are many men called Shane Gabie. He said there were so many Shane Gabie's in Chad and across the African continent that they were considering changing the name of their country from Chad to Shane.

To be renamed Shane?

I videoed many of my interviews as proof of the authenticity of my investigation. I will share them with you and the others at Myrtle Beach on the hopes that you can explain why no one has heard of you. But at this point I have abandoned my defense of you and have gone over to Joe Degnan's version of your ethnic heritage.

As a result of your misleading me for all these years, I will now insist that instead of the traditional 2 and 2 strokes your have given me, I will demand nothing less than 4 and 4. Only if you can someway dispel the results of my investigation, then I will allow you to only give me 2 and 2. I will refuse to play with you unless you grant me these strokes. In addition, you can only play with Eddie Money and the demented Dr. Wundy while we are at Myrtle Beach. You only deserve to play with the scum of the earth like those scum-sucking Tampa Bay fans for deceiving me for all these years. Not even the esteemed F. Lee could get you out of the web of lies you have spun around about your background.

I will bring my evidence with me. Expect a lynch mob if you cannot explain your way out of this!

Macos

Shane's Reply

Canadian?

I submit to you all the following evidence of my Canadian heritage, all of which can be verified by those who know me best, which I will endeavor to embellish upon in Myrtle:
 

I stand in a line at the movies I call them "line-ups" 

I’m not offended by the term "Homo Milk".

I understand the sentence, "Could I please pass me a serviette, I just spilled my poutine."

I still eat chocolate bars but have no clue what a candy bar is.

I drink pop, never soda.

I know that a mickey and 2-4's mean "Party at the camp, eh!"

I drank legally when I was a teen.

Like all Canadians I'm not sure if the leader of Canada has EVER had sex and I really don't want to know if he has!

I used to get milk in bags as opposed to cartons and plastic jugs.

I still think of Pike is a type of fish, not some part of a highway.

I drive on a highway, not a freeway.

I know what a Robertson screwdriver is.

I dismiss all beers under 6% as "for children and the elderly."

I know that the Friendly Giant isn't a vegetable product line.

I know that Casey and Finnegan are not a Celtic musical group.

Unlike any international assassin/terrorist/spy in the world, I don't possess a Canadian passport.

I use a red pen on my non-Canadian textbooks and fill in the missing 'u's from labor, honor, and color.

I know the French equivalents of "free", "prize", and "no sugar added", thanks to my extensive education in bilingual cereal packaging.

I’m excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada.

I make a mental note to talk about it at work the next day.

I can do all the hand actions to Sharon, Lois and Bram's "Skin-a-ma-rinky-dinky-doo" opus.

I know what a toque is.

I know Toronto is not a province.
 

Back bacon (not that pathetic American version called Canadian Bacon, which Candians hav never tasted) and Kraft Dinner are still two of my favourite food groups.

Sincerely,
Shane Gabie