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LAW 1 No matter how bad your last shot was, you should have inner peace knowing that a shittier one is yet to come. (This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament... a summer...and, eventually.... a lifetime.) LAW 2 Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former. LAW 3
Brand
new golf balls are water-magnetic. (Though this cannot be proven
in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf
ball, the greater its attraction to water. Expensive clubs have
been known to be partly made with this most unusual natural
alloy.)
Golf
balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the
tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
No
matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing
partners must solemnly chant 'You looked up,' or invoke the
wrath of the universe.
The
higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself
as an instructor.
Every
par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate
golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire. Palm trees eat golf balls.
Sand is
alive. It will swallow your balls.
A
golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone
in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will
consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a
convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar
combination.
All
3-woods are demon-possessed (your Mother-in-Law does not even
come close).
Golf
balls from the same 'sleeve' tend to follow one another,
particularly out of bounds or into the water (See LAW 3).
A
severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
The
person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who
beats you.
The
last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score
to what it really should be.
Golf
should be given up at least twice per month.
All
vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until sunset.
Since
bad shots come in groups of three, your fourth consecutive bad
shot is really the beginning of the next group of three.
When
you look up and cause an awful shot, you will always look down
again at exactly the moment when you should have continued
watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.
The
less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his
ideas about your swing (a corollary to Law 6).
If it
isn't broke, try changing your grip.
Golfers
who claim they don't cheat, also lie.
A golf
match is a test of your skill against your opponent's luck.
It's
surprisingly easy to hole a 50-foot putt when you lie 8.
Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is
like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.
It's
not a gimme if you're still away.
The
shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a
straight line that passes directly through the center of a very
large tree.
You can
hit a 2-acre fairway 10% of the time, and a 2-inch branch 90% of
the time.
Every
time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two
triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the
universe.
If you
want to hit a 7-iron as far as Tiger Woods does simply try to
lay up just short of a water hazard.
There
are two things you can learn by stopping your back swing at the
top and checking the position of your hands: #1 ... how many
hands you have, and #2 ... which one is wearing the glove.
Hazards
attract ... fairways repel.
You can
put 'draw' on the ball, you can put 'fade' on the ball ... but
no golfer can put 'straight' on the ball. A ball that you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours. LAW 36 Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it. Remember: Craig Stadler once changed putters in the middle of a tournament. When asked about it, Craig said, ' The other one couldn't swim!' LAW 37 No matter how big your drive is, F. Lee’s is going further!
LAW 38 |
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