Nixon Banned From Stables
By Hog Rock Investigative Reporter Zip


Phoenixville, PA - Feb. 4, 2010

Hogdom was shocked this week with news that asshole-extraordinaire Nixon has been banned from the Stables forever.  And if you don’t believe forever, you don’t know Dungee.

Asshole Extraordinaire

To put this accomplishment in perspective, no Hog has ever been banned from the Stables in nearly forty years going back to the Stables Hogs volleyball teams of the early seventies.

Stables Hogs Championship Volleyball Team - 1975

Now the Hogs have to decide whether to dump Nixon into the Stables parking lot or dump the Stables.  Hog Rock has interviewed several eyewitnesses for this in-depth investigation.

What Really Happened


A-Reno broke the story with the following alert. “Nixon was flagged from the Stables last night. Hogs looking for a new home. Details to follow. I'm sure it wasn't Jeff's fault.” 


B-Reno demanded an inquiry.  “30 years of the Stables Hogs, Nixon joins the team and turns it into the La Taverna Hogs. I can’t help but feel responsible for being the one to allow him to join the team." 

Bloemer, judges Macos and Zip need you take the stand and testify your version of the story without leaving any details out. The judges need to hear what took pace with Dungy from someone not named Nixon.  The jury is waiting for you before coming down with the verdict. And if Smutko was still there, you need to testify also.  (Remember, you get full immunity the more you make Nixon out to be the asshole). This will be a historical chapter in the annals of the Hog Rock Cafe titled "What kind of asshole loses the Hogs charter after 30 years of business?"

30 Years Down the Drain

Nixon’s original response was denial. “I swear I did nothing in the wrong, please contact my attorneys Mr. face-plant after a home run Bloemer and I-can't-catch-a-cold Smutko for more details”. 

Nixon's attorneys were no help to Nixon.

Attorney Smutko was the first to testify. “The cloudy details of the Dungee v. Nixon blowout on the night of February 4th, 2010 filter down to one sad example of what it means to be a “valued” member of an organization.” 

“The events leading up to the altercation between the business owner and the VIP (Very Intoxicated Patron) created whirlwind of negative energy that could ONLY result in banishment from such a fine institution as Stables Bar & Grill.”  

“After a poor showing at the dartboard, the VIP began slurring various profanities and making wild claims that “cigarette smoke in his eyes” was at fault for his less than competitive edge. The bar owner approached the VIP and warned that he would be removed from the property if his coarse behavior did not cease immediately.

Gave Nixon Fair Warning

Not being partial to discipline, the VIP responded with a torrid backlash of various threats and vulgar mumbles while a colorful blend of reggae and ska music carried through the stale air. The bar owner followed through with his promise and commanded that Nixon exit the premises, never to return again…. And then Nixon left.” 

“Amidst the pleas from fellow teammates Bloemer and Smutko that Dungee might look past Nixon’s behavior and allow him to return for our next Hog’s team meeting, the sound of an opening door was heard as Nixon came walking through the door, apparently undeterred by the ejection. His tail between his legs and the fire extinguished from his eyes, he begged for forgiveness. Despite the potential for financial shortcomings he might suffer in the coming months, Dungee would not budge from his decision and Nixon was doomed to never to see the inside of Stables Bar and Grill again.”


Attorney Bloemer confirmed Smutko's damaging testimony. “Sounds about right as I was a VIP as well.  I remember Nixon pleading for another round of drinks at ~2AM as I mashed crumpled $5's and $1's into my pocket.  I guess the angst evident in Nixon's voice of not only be cut off but also losing money to me was all the owner needed.”

 “While pleading the case for our beloved Nixon the owner did state this stemmed from a previous event... our late-night appearance at the Stables following the Hogs Hooters X-mas party.  Apparently in a less than "under his breath" voice (we are talking about Nix, go figure) disparaging comments were made about the owner, his lack of team support financially and alcoholically, and most likely some fat jokes.”

“The owner concluded this was not a singular incident but in fact the accumulation of Nixon over the years.  After what had to be 15 minutes of John and I pleading Nixon's case it was evident that Dungee would not budge and we smoked one more in the parking lot, possibly Nixon's new post-game home.”

Pung also noted that owner Dungee already had it out for Nixon. “Nixon was already on thin ice. Before everyone got there the Owner was telling me that one particular loudmouth hog was a real asshole at the last winter meeting.”


Long-time Stables Owner Dungee was exasperated.  "I've put up with Hog assholes for 40 fuckin' years, but never anyone as annoying as Nixon. I'd rather join my dead brother than spend another minute with that asshole.


Asshole of the Decade or Just an Asshole?

It would be easy to conclude that the incident was simply a case of Nixon being his normal asshole self and Dungee had just heard enough.  However, could this part of a Master Nixonian Plan?  Did his recent nomination for Rookie Hog of the Decade motivate him towards greater heights?  Perhaps Hog of the Decade for the ‘10s? 

Current Hog of the Decade Macos mentors Nixon with some sage advice. “As a fellow hog asshole that has been flagged from many bars over the years, I can only encourage you to keep up your good work.  I have always found that being a big-mouth, drunken asshole is always a sure-fire strategy to being escorted to the exit.  Among my more memorable bootings, I can recall being at the Old Arch Inn when some asshole bartender claimed we better start drinking up and not hog up the bar stools, cause the place was soon going to be 3-deep.  Many hours later after getting roaring drunk and staring at plenty of empty bar stools, I start shouting to everyone they better order quickly because the crowd was getting being 3-deep.  After the 25th reminder, he kicked me out of a bar.  Funny thing happened after that. The place mysteriously burned to the ground. You are a future Hog of the Decade!  Fuck the Stables - Go for the gusto and don't look back.” 

Others suspected that Nixon was more likely to win another award, Asshole of the Decade.  Areno provides his advice. “I think Nixon needs a little coaching on his 'timing'.  I mean really, if your talking A-hole of the year or eventually A-hole of the decade, you don't pull your antics on  02/04/2010 !!  Who's going to remember what happened now, in December 2019 when the Hog Academy chooses nominations? On the other hand, I think we have the young guns' version (or this generation's version) of Sly as far as A-hole awards go. He's a lock every year !!”

Four-Decade Run in Jeopardy?

Areno continues. “I'm going to reschedule my planned trip to see the Pyramids and the Rock of Gilbralter.  Rather than wait until I retire 10 years from now, We better get there before Nixon; who knows what they will look like, or even if they would still exist after his visit. It's like farting in an elevator...He gets off and walks away, and the rest have to put up with his stink.

B-Reno agrees. “If Lebron James played against 8th graders, there is no way anyone could compete with him. The same holds true for Nixon's domination of the A-hole category.  Who can compete?  It's not fair, he's head and shoulders above all of his hog counterparts.  It’s taken 33 years of A-hole training to get Nixon to the top of his game, and it seems he's still getting better at being an A-hole. We should marvel at these abilities as we witness him continue to take his A-hole talents to new levels.  With one year into the new decade, I'm sure he has more A-hole stunts planned up his sleeve that he will unveil over the next nine years to lock in the next decade award. I'm sure of it, he's just too good to contemplate ever retiring from being an A-hole.”

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