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ESPN News Update Phoenixville, PA – Jeff Nixon blasted the media at a press conference inside the Hog Hall of Fame Wing of the Grid Iron Sports Bar. Holding back tears of anger, Nixon lashed out at those responsible for a travesty of justice.
“First, let me start by saying, I am a less than perfect Hog. I have my faults, like any human being. I know I am a world-class asshole. And please! No one needs to remind me that I may have added a few pounds over the years.
I’ll admit, I am not as nimble as I once was, and I may have even provided a few oral favors to secure some votes during the Hog Hall of Fame Balloting in 2018. But just because you provide a few oral favors doesn’t mean you’re a cocksucker!” “There is, however, a real cocksucker out there that is trying to take away my Hog Hall of Fame status. Even though this motherfucker has tried to take me down in the press and in the court of public opinion, I will not do the same to this prick that he has done to me. The only thing I will tell you is that his first name rhymes with Candy and his last name rhymes with DeOrzio!” A furious Nixon held nothing back. “How, you may ask, did I come to this conclusion? What facts do I have to back up these claims? I am here to tell you that I have hired the best digital forensic analysts in the world to evaluate the supposed photo of me being voted out of the Hog Hall of Fame. Using the latest in artificial intelligence they have discovered that the photo originally published was a digitally altered, deep fake.” Nixon then produced the two photos. The one that was published a few weeks ago which he claims was digitally altered and a second which he claims was the original. Holding them up, side by side, he explained the digital fraud.
“If you compare the two photos you will see that there were no Hogs present in the real/original picture. The one that was published had the heads of Hogs photoshopped over the real people in the original photo! The real/original photo was taken several years ago at an annual meeting of The Big Johnson Society. At this meeting, which featured very famous Big Johnson members and fans, Shaquille O’Neill sponsored me for induction into this society. The picture was taken when I received unanimous support for membership. Nixon continued to prove his case that he was defamed. “The forensic analysts I hired were further able to determine that the altered photograph came from the computer of a former Hogs head coach, whose first name, again, rhymes with Candy.”
“Hey, I’m a grown-up asshole! I can handle taking my share of shit from people. But the bloated piece of shit that produced this picture then starts spouting off to the press that I am slow and fat. He’s got the balls to call me Jabba the Hutt’s brother Jeffa. Well hear me well Portly Pig!”
“You only wish you had the stats I do! Hell, my lifetime batting average is double compared to this Big Rig they should rename 18 Wheels! As far as speed goes, don’t forget I am tied for the Hog single season and lifetime records for stolen bases!” In closing, Nixon went for the jugular. “I demand that the vote to have me removed be declared fraudulent, and I be immediately reinstated into the Hog Hall of Fame! Furthermore, as we all know, Hog Hall of Fame Rule 15a states: Any Hog Hall of Famer that attempts to fraudulently remove another Hog Hall of Famer shall be immediately expelled from the Hog Hall of Fame if it can be proven he has committed this fraud. I believe I have provided the evidence and revealed the perpetrator of this fraud. I rest my case!”
“The Hog Hall of Fame takes these allegations seriously. We will conduct our own internal investigation and provide the results soon. In the interim, no one will be reinstated or removed from the Hog Hall of Fame. It is likely we will need to hold a special Hog Tribunal to determine where the truth lies and who should or should not be in the Hog Hall of Fame. As always, the Hog Hall of Fame will conduct this process with total transparency”.
So, stay tuned for further developments as this controversy
continues to unfold. |
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