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Longtime hog-stoner Vince Pinto officially declared himself as a Democratic Party candidate for President of the United States. Speaking from his Chalfont estate, Pinto declared, “Everybody claims they can get shit done in Washington, and nothing happens! We need a contrarian. My platform is that I won’t do shit, and maybe shit will happen!”
With all the identity politics in the Democratic Party, Pinto was asked what kind of diversity he brings to the party? “I am a pure Native American asshole. My great, great, great grandmother was Pintohontas, a distant cousin of Pocahontas. She didn’t do shit other than develop a dependency on weed and peyote. I can feel her blood pulsing through my veins every time a take a hit from my vape pen. I want to continue her tradition and not do shit.”
With all the controversy surrounding the building of a wall to limit the flow of illegal migrants, Pinto was asked to weigh in with his opinion. “We are putting way too much focus on our southern border. We need to be focusing all our energies on our northern border. As I speak, there is a Man of Excess named Shane that his found his way into our country. This man is more dangerous that the MS-13 gang. His ability to destroy our civilization is huge. How many more of these Men of Excess are massing at our borders preparing to attack us like the White Walkers? We need to seal our northern border with a massive wall to keep this invasive species from overwhelming us. Winter is coming!”
We asked Pinto where he stood with Climate Change and specifically the New Green Deal. “I have supported green dealers ever since I purchased my first bag of grass. That was back in a time when a green dealer could go to jail if they got caught. Now everyone wants new green dealers. I refuse to kick the old green dealers to the curb for political purposes. I am sticking with my old green dealer and I am encouraging all my supporters and other long-time stoners to do the same!”
When we pressed Pinto on the issue of Climate Change, he came out quite forceful. “Everything I have read tells me that the methane from cow farts is the leading cause of ozone depletion and climate change. The problem is all these fucking Vegans, Vegetarians and no-red-meat assholes. I hate to break it to you, but the problem is not the cows. It’s that we aren’t eating as many cows as we used to. I have done the math. If everyone on this planet ate just one burger a day, within a year the ozone layer would be back to normal. Bam, problem solved. Now I am doing my part, but I can’t do it alone. The solution is two-fold. First, we need to provide everyone with free vape pens. Second, we need to have a McDonald’s or Burger king within 1 mile of every home. Once the munchies kick in, the problem quickly goes away.”
And where does Pinto stand on Fossil Fuels? “If anyone thinks that they are going to take away fossil fuels, they will have to do it over my dead body. The world would come to a halt if we stopped producing oil. I believe we need to develop new technologies for fracking hash oil. The world would be a better place if we had more hash oil.” When pressed about plans to eliminate the use of oil by 2030, Pinto was adamant. “They will have to pry my vape pen from my cold dead hands before I would support any initiative to eliminate oil.”
Pinto was also asked about free Medicare for all. “I have always been a supporter of Medicare for all, provided that they are over 65.” When asked about what to do for everyone under 65, Pinto was crystal clear. “Fuck ‘em!!!! I had to wait until I was 65. I say, get in line mother fuckers! If I can wait for it, so can everyone else.”
And how about free college education? “College is not all it is cracked out to be. Everybody is too busy getting drunk or stoned to learn anything. I know I can’t remember a thing about my college experience except whopping hangovers. I believe we need to provide free happy hours & vaping hours for those interested in going on to higher education instead of free college tuition. They may not learn a lot, but I am sure they will enjoy it much more and learn as much as I did.”
Our final question focused on his opinions about paying a living wage to people who refuse to work. “We could use all the profits from my Hash Oil Fracking program, but I’m afraid that won’t be nearly enough. How about instead we pay everyone who refuses to work $20,000 a week so they become millionaires. If you want that $20,000 every week, all you got to do is go over to Syria, set up your residence with a nice ISIS family and once we confirm your new address, we will start sending you your check. If you don’t like the deal, shut the fuck up, get a job at whatever somebody is willing to pay you. Don’t want to work? After a week of going hungry, I think your mind might change.”
When asked about a possible running mate, Pinto had his mind already made up. “If I win the nomination, I plan on selecting my long-time friend Little Jimmy as my running mate. Little Jimmy has been with me through thick and thin. We are inseparable!”
And Pinto's campaign slogan?
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