Hogs Attack 2009 Walker Cup


Golf Hogs,

As you may or may not know, the Walker Cup is being played at Merion next year starting Friday,  September 11th and ending Sunday, September 13th.  The Walker Cup is the amateur version of the Ryder Cup where US and European amateur teams face off in various team golf formats.  You can Google up 2009 Walker Cup tickets for more info on the event. 

It will take some teamwork for us to help our fellow Americans.  Jimmy C and I felt we needed to put together our own Hog Walker Cup team together to support our boys.  Here are our ideas.  

Hogs Brain Trust

First, we asked Das Binkster to do some recon on our possible opponents while on assignment over in Germany.


He has forewarned us that snotty Frenchman Dick DeCoux will be rooting against our home team.  So we are hoping to match him against Bitty's big mouth in an effort to help keep him and his fellow cheese eating, surrender monkey countrymen neutralized. 

Second, we were hoping Eddie Money could work some magic with his asshole neighbor-buddy, Doctor Wundy. If Wundy could take time out of his busy schedule of increasing the rate of global warming and make the trek up from Florida, we thought he could scare the bejesus out of our opponents.  One look at that freak of nature in his knickers and hole-in-one cap should get us at least one or two points. 

Third, Jimmy C has spoken with Vineland's favorite son, Dale "Too Fat" Jones.  The Large One has assured us that if we can get his "cowardly bitch" college roommate Franco to show, he will ride him around the course like Ned Beatty in Deliverance and have him squeal like a pig on cue whenever the Europeans are putting. 

Lastly, we are planning on launching our two super secret weapons on those European scum.  We call it our "Shock and Awe" strategy. 

Shock (Secret Weapon #1) - We felt a need to suck out the European's energy early before they even hit the course.  Get this! We plan on sending our Hog Super Stratoforce F. Lee Saltzman in on a strafing mission over the European's breakfast buffet line.  With one pass, he will leave them with nothing but a few crumbs.  While they wait for the staff to restock, we plan on having Larry parked in the front of the line.  He will be auto programmed to recant how Jimmy screwed him out of a 400 yard drive in 2005 and then immediately go into the retelling of his incredible 75-foot, lightning-fast, down-hill, quadruple-break, birdie putt story from last year's Myrtle Beach Ryder Cup.  We believe that should send them scattering to the practice tee numb and without nourishment. 

Awe (Secret Weapon #2) - This is where it starts to get pretty nasty.  What better way to screw-up those European bastards than to infect them with one of their own.  That's right!   In what many Hog golfers have called "The Canadian Weapon of Mass Distraction", we plan on bringing Shane into play.  As a non-American, we know this quasi-European motor mouth could rattle Tiger Woods on a one inch tap in.  Dave V. assures us he can get him hooked up to a remote controlled muzzle.  All we have to do is let him roam around the East Course and have Dave shadow him.  Whenever they least expect it, Dave will hit the control button and unleash Shane's mouth on those poor unsuspecting pricks.  They will never know what hit them.  We see it as the Hog equivalent of Thermonuclear Warfare.  We are confident Shane will have them muttering to themselves all the way back to Europe, "That asshole just wouldn't shut the fuck up!" 

As for the rest of you, we thought we could all heckle the Europeans with a few whiff chants and throw a few beer cans at their ball just as they are about to start their down swings. 

Me and Jimmy are planning on getting tickets for at least the Sunday final.  If you are interested in going, let us know. 

In case I don't get to see any of you fellow assholes until next year,

Happy Hoglidays!!


I suspect their will be a few others who will have their own ideas to add to this strategy.  Please remember to "Reply to All" before taking shots at someone else.

I plan on playing with the Johnnie Walker Cup today at 5.




Dear Macos (and other likely 2nd place finishers),

I figured I better  get this out as the first response, so that no one’s hopes get too high too quickly, only to be unceremoniously dashed to the ground by late reports of my unavailability.


Dear All,

It is with much regret that I must advise that, as a result of my stellar performances on the links (like that huh?)in The Netherlands during my twelve  years there and in France, I will not be able to participate with the Hogs in the upcoming Walker Cup, since, just as I have been banned from joining your softball fiasco since my return, my performance in “the Game of Gentlemen” as well as in “America’s Pastime” warranted me being considered and treated as a professional there, contrary to the POS you treat me as here in the “Homeland”. Hence my allegiance to “The Mother Countries”

Accordingly, I advise you to go play (with) yourselves!

PS: I have reported your subversive actions to the appropriate authorities “across the pond”.

The Frog / Hague / Texas Hog

Greetings from the Fatherland.  To date, my onsite investigations into potential opponents have produced no solid results as I have encountered nothing but problems.  The French I contacted weren't available because they were celebrating some surrender in some war.  They seem to have this type of celebration frequently.  The Italians were either throwing one government out or installing another, not sure which one.  The Germans were all in some secret meetings talking about the Fourth Reich.  I didn't approach any of other countries thinking that they may not have a lot to offer.  (I use the word "countries" almost in jest.  It is used here to describe loosely organized political associations that share common geographical boundaries.  Previously they were referred to as "tribes", now they are called "countries".)
Although I have met a few golfers, they have not been forthcoming with providing any type of actionable intelligence.  Plus, many of the golfers here, as well as most other Europeans, are actively engaged in constructing statues to President-elect Obama, as part of the "we love Obama" movement that seems to be sweeping the continent.  When this current trend fades and when Europeans return to more normal activities such as watching Al Jazeera or rioting against totally unfair, capitalist inspired and worker debiliating 35 hour work weeks, I may be able to gather better information, which I will share immediately.  In the meantime, I'll wish you all Merry Christmas or Happy Hanukkah and Happy New Year.

Binkhard Schroeder


The only thing I like better than playing golf is watching golf. Unfortunately I'm scheduled to get a haircut that weekend so I can't make it. Be sure to let me know when this cup thing comes to Meadowbrook.


So I can wear my Red White and Blue knickers with my rainbow wig and a JOHN 3:14 tee-shirt? But isnt the idea to distract them ...shouldnt I wear something nauseating?  I might consider going if we Money and I can fly up in our personal fuel guzzling jet (recently acquired from Chrysler)


I'm in, I'm packed, where do I send my money.  Can I send cash? 

I don't need a reciept I'll meet you at the bottom of the driveway near where the caddies hang out. 
We will have clubhouse passes I assume?


Hey, Beta Theta,
What up?
Let ask you hogs one question, IS GOLF A SPORT???
On my retort, to the blabber of ,"the Airship Jones".

Airship Jones

 I think the methane in the septic systems that the fat man has to inspect as a "big time sanitarian", it that megalopolis called, "Vineland, NJ.", has dulled his brain! If anybody is driving anything it's old number 77! Shit!!, Jones hasn't seen his dick since 'nam !!

Last Dick Sighting

The man talks a good game,... but to quote our immortal defensive line coach at Drexel, Tony Dimeddio,  (played in the first super bowl for Hank Stram) "maybe it's better Jonesy is digging potatoes,

Vineland Potato Picker

'cause he couldn't play a dead Indian in a western movie, let alone play football!!!!

Dead Indian – Chief Sitting Bullshit

Ladies and gentleman, of the jury, I rest my case!
Happy New year,
P.S. Hey Jonesy,
Ken Kotolick, says, You couldn't have broken that seven man sled, all those years ago,.................you could barely." break a sweat" !!!!!!!!!  


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