Second, we were hoping Eddie Money could work some magic with his asshole neighbor-buddy, Doctor Wundy. If Wundy could take time out of his busy schedule of increasing the rate of global warming and make the trek up from Florida, we thought he could scare the bejesus out of our opponents. One look at that freak of nature in his knickers and hole-in-one cap should get us at least one or two points.
Jimmy C has spoken with Vineland's favorite son, Dale "Too Fat"
Jones. The Large One has assured us that if we can get his
"cowardly bitch" college roommate Franco to show, he will ride him
around the course like Ned Beatty in Deliverance and have him squeal
like a pig on cue whenever the Europeans are putting.
Lastly, we are planning on
launching our two super secret weapons on those European scum. We
call it our "Shock and Awe" strategy.
(Secret Weapon #2) - This is where it starts to get pretty
nasty. What better way to screw-up those European bastards than to
infect them with one of their own. That's right! In what many Hog
golfers have called "The Canadian Weapon of Mass Distraction", we
plan on bringing Shane into play. As a non-American, we know this
quasi-European motor mouth could rattle Tiger Woods on a one inch
tap in. Dave V. assures us he can get him hooked up to a remote
controlled muzzle. All we have to do is let him roam around the
East Course and have Dave shadow him. Whenever they least expect
it, Dave will hit the control button and unleash Shane's mouth on
those poor unsuspecting pricks. They will never know what hit
them. We see it as the Hog equivalent of Thermonuclear Warfare. We
are confident Shane will have them muttering to themselves all the
way back to Europe,
"That asshole just wouldn't shut the
As for the rest of you, we thought we could all heckle the Europeans
with a few whiff chants and throw a few beer cans at their ball just
as they are about to start their down swings.
I plan on playing with the Johnnie Walker Cup today at 5.
Dear Macos (and other likely 2nd place finishers),
I figured I better get this out as the first response, so that no one’s hopes get too high too quickly, only to be unceremoniously dashed to the ground by late reports of my unavailability.
It is with much regret that I must advise that, as a result of my stellar performances on the links (like that huh?)in The Netherlands during my twelve years there and in France, I will not be able to participate with the Hogs in the upcoming Walker Cup, since, just as I have been banned from joining your softball fiasco since my return, my performance in “the Game of Gentlemen” as well as in “America’s Pastime” warranted me being considered and treated as a professional there, contrary to the POS you treat me as here in the “Homeland”. Hence my allegiance to “The Mother Countries”
Accordingly, I advise you to go play (with) yourselves!
PS: I have reported your subversive actions to the appropriate authorities “across the pond”.
The Frog / Hague / Texas Hog
Greetings from the Fatherland. To date, my onsite investigations into potential opponents have produced no solid results as I have encountered nothing but problems. The French I contacted weren't available because they were celebrating some surrender in some war. They seem to have this type of celebration frequently. The Italians were either throwing one government out or installing another, not sure which one. The Germans were all in some secret meetings talking about the Fourth Reich. I didn't approach any of other countries thinking that they may not have a lot to offer. (I use the word "countries" almost in jest. It is used here to describe loosely organized political associations that share common geographical boundaries. Previously they were referred to as "tribes", now they are called "countries".)
Although I have met a few golfers, they have not been forthcoming with providing any type of actionable intelligence. Plus, many of the golfers here, as well as most other Europeans, are actively engaged in constructing statues to President-elect Obama, as part of the "we love Obama" movement that seems to be sweeping the continent. When this current trend fades and when Europeans return to more normal activities such as watching Al Jazeera or rioting against totally unfair, capitalist inspired and worker debiliating 35 hour work weeks, I may be able to gather better information, which I will share immediately. In the meantime, I'll wish you all Merry Christmas or Happy Hanukkah and Happy New Year.
The only thing I like better than playing golf is watching golf. Unfortunately I'm scheduled to get a haircut that weekend so I can't make it. Be sure to let me know when this cup thing comes to Meadowbrook.
So I can wear my Red White and Blue knickers with my rainbow wig and a JOHN 3:14 tee-shirt? But isnt the idea to distract them ...shouldnt I wear something nauseating? I might consider going if we Money and I can fly up in our personal fuel guzzling jet (recently acquired from Chrysler)
I'm in, I'm packed, where do I send my money. Can I send cash?
I don't need a reciept I'll meet you at the bottom of the driveway near where the caddies hang out.
We will have clubhouse passes I assume?
Hey, Beta Theta,
Let ask you hogs one question, IS GOLF A SPORT???
On my retort, to the blabber of ,"the Airship Jones".
I think the methane in the septic systems that the fat man has to inspect as a "big time sanitarian", it that megalopolis called, "Vineland, NJ.", has dulled his brain! If anybody is driving anything it's old number 77! Shit!!, Jones hasn't seen his dick since 'nam !!
The man talks a good game,... but to quote our immortal defensive line coach at Drexel, Tony Dimeddio, (played in the first super bowl for Hank Stram) "maybe it's better Jonesy is digging potatoes,
'cause he couldn't play a dead Indian in a western movie, let alone play football!!!!
Ladies and gentleman, of the jury, I rest my case!
Happy New year,
P.S. Hey Jonesy,
Ken Kotolick, says, You couldn't have broken that seven man sled, all those years ago,.................you could barely." break a sweat" !!!!!!!!!