The Hog of the Decade
 Controversy - 1990
by Tom Sommers and Dave MacFarland

By Tom Sommers - March 1990

At the 1989 team party held at Zip's house, Areno presented his case (and Justin's trophy) for the player of the decade, and believe it or not, the winner was Areno. Although clearly a great player, does Areno really deserve the honor he presented to himself, or is his leadership in many lifetime stats due to the fact that he has shown up more than any other HOG. An examination of the statistics below clearly illustrates that Zip is the player of the decade. The two most astonishing stats to support Zip's case are his lifetime batting average which is .022 above any other HOG and his lifetime on-base average which is .036 above any other HOG. To put these two extraordinary statistics in perspective, note that Ty Cobb's major league .367 lifetime batting average is only .009 above the closest contender, and Ted William's .483 lifetime on-base average is only .009 above the closet contender.

By Tom Sommers and Dave MacFarland - April 1990

Areno's Reply 

I makes me want to puke that Zip and Areno are both claiming to be the player of the decade, a couple of single-hitting outfielders, neither of whom has ever hit a ball over an outfielder's head.

Since Zip wants to make comparisons to major league stats, let me point out that my lifetime slugging pct. (an astonishing .701) is .088 above any HOG in history, a figure that even the Babe himself can't match. When I see Zip bragging about having more triples and home runs than Areno, my only comment is, let's hope so! The adage "figures lie and liars figure" surely applies to Zip, a statistical ego-maniac who cares more about his batting average than the team's winning pct.

As for Areno, this is yet another attempt to buy an award. We put up with the MVH award, but this is ridiculous! At least buy a real trophy. As for his complaint about Areno Bashing, the one word that will never apply to Areno is bashing, since in nearly 700 at-bats, he still has never hit a home run.

All I did in the eighties was to lead the HOGS in doubles, triples, home runs, total bases, slugging pct. and game winning RBIs, all while playing shortstop. In case these facts aren't enough to convince you, the chart below lists a few stats that both Zip and Areno forgot to mention. 

By Dave MacFarland and Tom Sommers - June 1990

Now that the usual rabble have had their say about this Hog of the Decade issue, it is time to match their puny records against the true Hog of the Decade.

First, let's look at the word HOG. Webster defines a hog as an "overly self-indulgent, gluttonous, or vulgar person". To be deemed Hog of the Decade, a person must excel in these key areas. Let's take a look at these wannabes and discover why they should be dismissed.

Areno - We'll start with the easiest. Anyone who admits to missing a game because he had to see some has-been hippies sing about riding a see-saw should be disqualified outright for any Hog award for his sheer stupidity. Regardless of this bumbling blunder, Areno's record is a farce in one key Hog statistic. If a hog is self-indulgent, how could he be an all-time team leader in such an unselfish area as assists? The idea of a hog assisting or sharing anything is a contradiction. If Areno wants to lead the team in assists, let him apply for the Mother Teresa Humanitarian Award. In fact, it would be sacrilegious to even include Areno's name in the same sentence of such a prestigious title as Hog of the Decade. Now, if you check those records, you will find only one Hog outfielder who has played more than 100 games and has never had an assist. I want to build some suspense, so I won't mention his name, but you can be damn sure he's not on Mother Teresa's Christmas card list.

Zip - Now here's a real joke. Would an overly self-indulgent person "take a pitch for the team" when he had a 3-0 count? Not in a million at bats! A true Hog would rather kiss his sister. In fact, anyone who walks in slow pitch ought to be asked, "What are you, a homo?" Who is the team's all-time leader in the aids-infested category of WALKS? Zip "The Sultan of Squat" Sommers. If we're talking about Homo of the Decade, he wins the award, pants down! But we're talking HOG, spelled H - O - G , of the Decade. Once again I'll ask you to dust off "the Bible" of Hog statistics. The record is clear, there has been only one Hog who was well on his way to one million at bats with absolutely no walks in his illustrious career. The suspense is killing me, who could this Hog of Hogs be?

Eggs? - Fat chance (pardon the pun). The biggest competition in the crowd (another pun?), he blew away any hope he had of receiving this award by breaking his ankle in three places while trying a take-out slide with two outs, late in a game that was already lost. Sorry pal, that bone-head move would only be done be a "team player", not a self-indulgent hog. You'd stand a better chance winning a Miss Piggy Look Alike Contest than you do winning Hog of the Decade.

Pung? - Just in case he decides to come out of the woodwork, he better think about the lifetime sacrifice fly crown he wears on his balding head. Anyone who has more sacrifices than hairs on his head would be better off applying for Cue Ball of the Decade. The lifetime leader in sacrifice flies clearly can't be considered because a true hog would never sacrifice.

Quite the contrary, hogs only look out for themselves. The Hog rules are simple:

       1.     Never slide, just keep running.

       2.     Never block the plate, just get out of the way.

       3.     Never encourage your teammates, heckle the shit out of them.

       4.     And never, ever, worry about the team, only be concerned with your own stats.

Hog of the Decade

The answer was obvious. No one has been more self-indulgent, self-serving and downright selfish as this noble Hog. His statistics are a pinnacle that the pretenders to his throne can only envy.

None of these also-runs like to talk about Big Game statistics, and let me tell you why. Anybody can go 4 for 4 against a team of Jerry's kids. But let's talk about the two Harlan's games, the 1810 Barn games, and the only playoff victory in Hog history. When it's money time you always lean on your stopper. There is only one stopper who is 5-0 in Big Games. In addition, he threw in a pressure-cooked game-winning RBI in one of them by pointing to the center fielder, Bambino style, and then smashed the ball over his head. That, my friends, is a topic the big mouths like to avoid because they were either at a concert, on vacation or on crutches when it really counted.

If there is any doubt about who should be Hog of the Decade, ask yourself these questions.

• Who has never assisted anyone, let alone an infielder, in his entire life?

• Who got called out for stepping out of the batter's box rather than take a walk?

• Who turned a routine single into a home run by running with his reckless abandon?

• Who started the heckling chants of "whiff" and "whuss" aimed at his own teammates?

• Who is the guy they had to make a special 1/2 hour per game hogging rule for?

• Who gave Areno his nickname?

• Who has held the HOGS OPEN belt for ten years?

• Who pioneered the position of softball batting coach?

• Who has been the most consistent a-hole during the past decade?

• And Rock, who pays for one and eats pizza for three?

 I could go on, but that would be self-serving. Let the Mother Teresas, Homos, Miss Piggies and the Cue Balls line up behind the true Hog of the Decade ...