Trial of the Millennium

TRIAL OF THE MILLENNIUM

Time's Man of the Year - Belt Thief Jammer

Jammer Acquitted -Brilliant Human Love Machine
Defense Prevails

In a trial that had more twists than a Chubby Checker dance marathon, a jubilant Jammer emerged from The Great American Pub having been cleared of all charges, as prescribed by the Court of Hog Law, by Peers and Beers.

As the trial opened, the lead prosecutor Macos came out swinging early with volumes of evidence that had the defense scrambling. His first witness Bobby "Kato" Weller swore he heard a loud thud against the bathroom door while relieving himself in the Hog Rock Café facility. Kato described it "like a hippo trying to run through the door!" He also testified to finding a beer soaked "Belt Stealing Glove" on the floor that looked like the same glove he saw Jammer wearing earlier as he "leered at The Belt". He also swore he saw a very hefty man wearing a white shirt and gray pants hurrying out the basement door. He then fingered Jammer as that same man. He pointed out that he saw The Belt as he went into the bathroom but saw that it was missing when he came out.

Forensic Extra Special Investigator Booze then took the stand. Booze testified that he had found a thumbprint on the ransom note. The thumbprint had a distinguishing pizza stain on it. He provided a blown up version of the thumbprint and compared it to a thumbprint that he had lifted from a beer glass Jammer had recently just been drinking out of. He said beyond all doubt, they were the same print. Booze then described his analysis of the crime scene. He was able to lift a number of hairs from The Leopard Skin which was on the Hog Rock Café bathroom door just below where The Belt was mounted. He said that these hairs where likely from the lower naval or upper pubic region of a large Caucasian male. Suspecting Jammer as the likely perpetrator, he had snuck into Jammer's home a few days ago and lifted several pubic hairs from his bathroom toilet. He than performed a DNA test on the two sets of pubic hairs. Once again the test proved beyond all doubt that the pubic hairs found on The Leopard Skin matched those found on Jammer's bathroom toilet. Adding even more intrigue to the day, Booze produced the companion Belt Stealing glove to the one Kato Weller had found earlier. Booze said he found it in Jammer's garage. His investigation found these Belt Stealing Gloves are sold exclusively at Home Depot. He was able to produce a receipt for a set of Large Belt Stealing Gloves purchased by a John "Jammer" Mathas on June 23rd, the day before the Grand Opening at the Oxford Valley Home Depot. He noted that this Home Depot is less than five miles from Jammer's home in Newtown, Bucks County.

Prosecutor Macos than closed his argument by producing four photos which showed Jammer with The Belt in his possession, including one at the Hog Rock Café the night of the theft. You could have heard a pin drop as this damning evidence brought the courtroom to a hush.

Then it was the defense's turn to present its case. Never in the annals of criminal law was a defense attorney up against such a mountain of damning evidence. But F. Lee Saltzman is known to thrive on these situations. Saltzman, the world renown defense strategist who invented the temporary insanity defense, the "If the glove don't fit, you must acquit" strategy for Johnny Cochran, and the No Name Defense for the 1972 Miami Dolphins shocked the courtroom with his riskiest strategy to date. Placing his client on the stand, he played the brilliant "Human Love Machine" defense.

Jammer provided several affidavits from women who were at the Hog Rock Café and who swore they were with The Human Love Machine John "Jammer" Mathas. Mrs. Booze, Mrs. Makos, Mrs. Zip and Mrs. Eggman affidavits where all submitted as evidence that Jammer was always entertaining the ladies between 7:00 PM and 1:00 AM. However, the real surprise came when he produced an affidavit and photograph from Sally the Sheep who swore that Jammer was having sex with her during the crucial time. Jammer freely admitted that being a Human Love Machine often requires he pleasure himself with animals. He also produced a photograph of himself as the Human Love Machine posing in a thong. The courtroom was chaotic. It appeared as if F. Lee Saltzman had pulled a rabbit out of Jammer's pants. He went further when he asked his client to put the Beer Soaked Belt Stealing Glove on his elbow. Try as he might, Jammer was unable to get the glove to fit onto his elbow. Saltzman than ended his examination with the image of his client struggling with the glove.

Jammer stood up well against prosecutor Macos' grueling cross-examination. He flatly denied all the allegations and called the evidence against him as "fabricated". A chilling moment came when Judge Zip at one point had to order the defendant to expose his naval and upper pubic area. By doing so, Macos was able to corroborate the fact that Jammer had excessive pubic hairs that matched those found on the Leopard Skin. The examination occurred despite F. Lee Saltzman violent objections that a writ of Habeus Pubus had never been filed with the court.

Jammer's wife and un-indicted co-conspirator Mik was then brought to the stand. Prosecutor Macos was able to get her to admit that neither she nor "The Human Love Machine" to whom she is married have seen his penis in over ten years. F. Lee Saltzman seemed unprepared for this sudden turn of events.

It was then time for closing statements. Macos, sporting his newly appointed t-shirt with a picture of Jammer holding The Belt and GUILTY imprinted above and below, brought an impassioned personal touch to his closing. He spoke of how he conceived and nursed The Belt like a parent. He described how having his child kidnapped and held for ransom by a known pervert was a parents' worst nightmare. He reviewed the mountain of evidence and mocked the defendant's claims that so many damning facts could all be fabricated. He turned and pointed to the defendant as he openly called Jammer "Full of Shit!" He said he only wanted justice served so that others may not endure the pain which he had gone through. Macos than stared at the jury and slowly repeated, "If Jammer's full of shit, you must convict. If Jammer's full of shit, you must convict. If Jammer's full of shit, you must convict."

F. Lee Saltzman than provided his closing statement. He portrayed his client as wrongfully accused and having a clear alibi for the entire evening. He claimed that the missing penis revealed by his client's wife helped explain the recent weight problems Jammer had been struggling with. He hammered home the point Jammer could not get the beer soaked Belt Stealing Gloves to fit on his elbow. Finally, he reminded the jury, "If the glove does not fit, you must acquit."

Then Judge Zip than called for the vote. He read aloud seven Guilty votes that had been e-mailed in absentia along with their commentaries. Ballots where than passed out to the jurors to vote. Those casting votes included: Phil "Back Stroke Baby" Seufert, Vince "Vince" Pinto, Dick "Give it a Lick" DeCoux, Tom "Doodle" Trevithick, Debbie Demiter, Chris Saltzman, Sally MacFarland, Judy Sommers, Michelle "Mik" Mathas, Bruce "Booze" Crowly, John "Jammer" Mathas, Jim "Casanova" Casalenuovo, Tom "Zip" Sommers, Larry "F. Lee" Saltzman, Dave "Macos" MacFarland, Bobby "Kato" Weller and Amy the bartender. The seventeen votes were presented to the safe keeping of Judge Jimmy Casanova. Judge Zip than read them aloud as Judge Jimmy counted them up. Judge Jimmy than announced the verdict. "Seventeen Guilty and Seven Not Guilty. In accordance with the Court of Hog Law, the defendant is pronounced Guilty by Peers and Beers."

That is when commotion broke out. F. Lee Saltzman demanded a recount and a polling of the jurors. Defendant Jammer was seen reaching for his wallet while in cloaked discussion with Judge Jimmy. Judge Jimmy than announced the recount totals. "Seventeen Guilty, Eighteen Not Guilty! The defendant has been cleared of all charges. The case is closed."

It was total pandemonium. Prosecutor Macos was furious that bribery may have played a factor. Judge Zip provided his closing comments to the courtroom. "Prosecutor Macos knew the rules. Bribing the judges in the Court of Hog Law is not only permitted, it is encouraged. These proceedings are closed! The defendant is free to go."

Just when things looked like they could not turn any worse for Prosecutor Macos, F. Lee Saltzman immediately announced plans to file a civil suit against Macos for slandering his client's sleazy name. In addition, the new golden Millennium Edition of "The Belt" which Macos had brought out for display for the trial was stolen. As the embittered Macos left the courtroom, he muttered, "Rico was right, Jammer is the sleaziest person I have ever met. How stupid was I to try and go up against this sleaze-bag and his slimy lawyer F. Lee Saltzman. If this doesn't qualify me for some asshole award, I don't know what will."

At the other end of the courtroom, the Jubilant Jammer mocked the prosecutor as he danced and sang a chorus of I'm too sexy for my body. Laughed Jammer, "Macos should have known better. He has seen me card a -18 on the last hole of the Hogs Open. Coming up with eleven phantom not guilty votes was a cakewalk for a man of my skills. Always remember, I am a cheater, not a liar!"

Jammer's Dream Team

Trial of the Millennium

Date: Sunday, September 10, 2000

Time: 12:00 Noon

Location: Great American Pub, 2nd & Fayette St, Conshohocken, PA

Defendants: John "Jammer"& Michelle "Mik" Mathas

Charge: Theft, Kidnapping & Extortion of "The Belt"

Prosecutors: Tom "Zip" Sommers & Dave "Macos" MacFarland

Proposed Judges

John "Pung" Rugh
Wayne "Pink" Blanchard
Mike "Eggs" Demiter
Steve "Areno" Centrella
Charlie "Bolts" Bolton

Proposed Alternates

Greg "Bentz" Bentz
Vince "Vince" Pinto
Art "Ski" Swiatkowski
Bob "Binky" Bucco
Dick "Give it a Lick" DeCoux

Format

1) Prosecutors will be given 20 minutes to present their case, witnesses and evidence. They will be allowed to bribe the judges with drinks and other favors.
2) Defendants will be given 20 minutes to present their defense, witnesses and evidence. They will be allowed to bribe the judges with drinks and other favors.
3) Prosecutors will be given 10 minutes for rebuttals and cross examination
4) Panel of Judges will be given 10 minutes to ask questions to defendant.
5) Defendants Attorney "F. Lee Saltzman" will be given 1 minute to offer a summation for his clients.
6) Prosecutors will be given 1 minute to offer their summation.
7) Judges will be given 10 minutes to deliberate while soliciting more drinks and other favors.
8) Judges will offer their judgment and provide appropriate sentencing.
9) Participants will watch the conclusion of Eagles game.

Prosecution Prospective Witnesses

Bruce "Booze" Crowly of BCESI - Special Investigator's Forensic Report

Tom "Wendall" Casani - unwitting brother-in-law will describe Jammer's long time lust for "The Belt"

Bobby "Cellar Dwellar" Weller - Observed Jammer's lingering look at "The Belt" during Grand Opening

Tom "Doodle" Trevithick - will describe Jammer's devious methods for winning golf tournaments

Defense Prospective Witnesses

Drew "Stopper" Stopper - character witness that Jammer is not as big an asshole as others think

Ted "Fukner" Fitzer - character witness will testify that Jammer is quite a character

Marty "Fiber" Glassman - character witness will testify about something that will go over everyone's head

All others are invited to witness this historic event!!! If you would like to testify against Jammer, please respond or contact us on our web page www.hogrockcafe.com.

Early e-mail quotes

"I hope they can find a rope thick enough to hang that fat bastard!!" - Greg "Bentz" Bentz

"The sleaziest person I've ever known!" - Frank "Rico" Rivara

"Down here in North Carolina we'd tie him to a whippin' post and make him squeal like a pig!!" - Lowell "Y'all" Parker

Dick "Give it a Lick" DeCoux Does His Civic Duty

Please do your part & perform your civic duty just as willingly as this jurist.

Subj: Re: Trial of the Millennium

Date: 8/26/00 3:51:58 PM Central Daylight Time

From: rdec@concentric.net

To: MacFarlandD@aol.com

CC: TomSommers@aol.com (Sommers, Tom Zip)

Macos, I normally will do anything to avoid jury duty, thus my application for a green card has been pending low these many years. However, in this case my righteous indignation is so highly charged that I must answer this civic call. I don't want to say that I have pre-judged that squinty-eyed evil bastard, but for the love of God the damage that someone that rotund could do to the belt makes my blood boil. Why thin guys like me would never even yearn (in vain) for the chance to wear the belt should it become grossly deformed by the Jam Man's body.

Naturally I must caution that you can only hope that the defendants buying of drinks for me will not impair my otherwise clear duty to condemn. It is only appropriate to return the belt to it's rightful place of honor at the Hog Rock Cafe, albeit among the wreckage of the broken pictures and glass that the menagerie of low lives you so loosely call friends left behind in their beer-swilled, pot-clouded wakes.

I look forward to this opportunity to bring an impartial point of view to these proceedings and will eagerly await the prescribed date to string up the perpetrator of this heinous theft.

Sincerely

Dick "Give it a Lick" DeCoux

Greg Bentz Comments

Subj: Re: Trial of the Millennium

Date: 8/27/00 11:28:23 AM Central Daylight Time

From: OH2BFREE@prodigy.net (Greg Bentz)

To: MacFarlandD@aol.com, TomSommers@aol.com

I regret that I will be unable to attend the trial of these two bottom feeders of society. I am scheduled to be in Maryland that weekend to preside over an alleged sexual assault on a 22 year old lap dancer by a 75 year old Sigma Pi alumnus who claims to be Chris Nurney. I doubt if the evidence will stand up in court, although defense has offered a plea bargain of tailgating.

I suggest that you use one of the deck ropes holding the battleship New Jersey to hang Jammer, although he may just smoke the damn thing and escape. Best wishes to the prosecution on swift and appropriate justice for the two accused.

"Bentz"