Jammer Snags 2005 Hogs Open Title
Captain Jimmy Too Drunk to Protest
Although most consider cancer as a serious adversary, Jammer shrugged off his opponent and pulled off another of his now famous come from behind victories.
“I got off to a great start on the first tee. I hadn’t had a beer in 8 months and all those drunk hogs got me Jonesun’ for a cold one. My old Cavanaugh’s pal Kat came through and hooked my feeding tube up to a couple of cold Heinies.”
Getting A Heineken Fix
“By the time I hit the first tee, I was feeling like my old self. I had my son pour me another cold one while I was teeing off.”
Jammer Jr. Pouring Jammer Another Cold One
Paired with his old playing partners F. Lee and Champy, the slimmed down Jammer showed off his physique to the crowd.
2003 Hogs Open 2005 Hogs Open
When Jammer explained to the crowd that his drop in weight was attributed to his chemo treatments and the fact that all food tasted like shit, Macos advised he should try eating some real shit for a while to see if that improved his appetite.
Words of Encouragement “Try Eating Some Real Shit”
The story played out differently on the course. Not to be out done, Judge Jimmy came out swinging and swigging. He kept up a fast-paced Captain and Coke on each hole. By the time he made the turn onto the back nine, he was totally pie-eyed.
Slurring his words, Jimmy exclaimed, “I was up all night studying the fabled Areno Rules which are the official rules of the Hogs Open. I‘ve been trying to use every fucking one of them today.”
Legendary Writer of Hog Golf Rules
Written by legendary hog golfer Steve Areno, the Areno Rules provide wide latitude on how to properly capture your golf score by using proven logic and physics instead of counting actual strokes. Among his most referenced rules are:
Rule 27 – If a ball starts to fall into the cup, it will be considered as having gone into the cup. The laws of gravity cannot be defied. Once a ball has begun its decent into the cup, gravity is supposed to take over from there.
Rule 48 – A ball that is putted at the cup will be considered to have gone into the cup if it ends up in a direct line on the other side of the cup. It is impossible for a ball not to fall into a cup if the cup is between you and the ball.
Rule 79b – Any drive that results in a lost ball can be replayed without taking a penalty stroke. Losing a golf ball is enough of a penalty.
By the 16th hole the drunken Judge said he wanted to be promoted from Judge to Captain after polishing off a bottle of rum.
Call Him Captain Jimmy
The tournament really started to heat up when word slipped out that a drunken and nearly incoherent Noel the Ahoel had flipped his cart and taken a header into the pavement. It was clear to everyone that the Young Guns had come to play.
Noel the Ahoel Shakes Off His Spill
Noel’s cart partner and Stable Hogs skipper Andy gave his tempered approval for Noel’s effort.
“Noel has always strived to be a top notch asshole. Nobody tries harder. But the fact is he’s really just a big drunken dickhead. He’s been voted the biggest dickhead ever to play on the Stable Hogs by his teammates ten times, and he’s only been playing for eight. He’s actually a bigger dickhead than his best friend and former title holder The Answer. I, like most Hogs, have come to understand that Noel is like great spice, a little of him goes a long way.”
Biggest Dickhead 2nd Biggest Dickhead
A Little Goes a Long Way
When it came time to announce the winner of the 26th Annual Hogs Open along with The Belt presentation, the crowd grew angry as Zip began to announce that Judge Jimmy was the winner after posting an Areno-aided 75. Kat screamed out, “Fuck Jimmy. I was drunker than that cheating, rat bastard Judge!”
Drunk and Angry Kat Shouts, “Fuck Jimmy!”
Suddenly a commotion broke out as Jammer claimed that he shot below a 75. His lawyer, F. Lee Saltzman screamed that the tournament was a fraud and he was going to sue the organizer if Jammer was not awarded the title.
Lawyer Suing Over Fraud
Jammer and F. Lee huddled with tournament organizer Zip to review the score cards. During the review, Jammer started shouting, “That blind, one-eyed bastard Champy Davis Jr. wrote down the wrong score on the 18th! I had a -10 on the last hole, not a 10. I should have known better than to trust a one-eyed cocksucker to keep my score!”
Blind One-Eyed Bastard Other Famous One-Eyed Cocksuckers
Champy Davis Jr.
Zip agreed that the 20 shot swing in score would give Jammer a 56 instead of 76. He announced that Jammer had been cheated of his rightful title and that he had won The Belt and had outgoing champ Fat Al present Jammer with The Belt.
Judge Jimmy was too drunk to fight as Jammer started flexing for the crowd. Suddenly pandemonium broke out. Macos started screaming that he had to disqualify himself for making a scoring error on his card too. “The Belt cannot change hands on a disqualification! The Belt cannot change hands on a disqualification!” he screamed to the crowd.
“The Belt Cannot Change Hands on a Disqualification!”
In the mayhem, F. Lee Saltzman waddled his way to the front. He shut Macos up when he announced that he was suing Macos for a defective product. “I have proof that your cheap belts are made from cancer causing materials. You are the cause of Jammer’s stomach cancer and I plan to file criminal charges against you for attempted murder!”
F. Lee Announces Plans to File Charges for Attempted Murder
Jammer triumphantly paraded his prize around the bar. But as he attempted to leave, Macos mad a last ditch effort to recover his prize possession.
Last Ditch Effort to Grab The Belt
As the award ceremony started to wind down, the Stable Hogs “Young Guns” presented tournament organizer Zip with their new 2005 uniform.
Tournament Organizer With New 2005 Stable Hogs Uniform
Dubbed the “Andy 1st Addition”, new Stable Hogs Skipper Andy explained the meaning. “When I took over the helm of this foundering franchise, my first order of business was to dump Areno, Elmer and Stan from our roster this year. I reduced the average age of our team by 20 years, improved our team speed by 20 seconds in the forty yard dash and I can still guarantee we will finish under .500 in the league and over 1.000 at the bar. Just getting that slow running, rip cord pulling, banjo hitting, shit managing Areno off the team was like cutting free a dragging anchor. He was my 1st Addition. I like to call it Addition by Subtraction.”
Addition by Subtraction – Cutting Free a Dragging Anchor
Zip then announced to the group that the 27th Annual Hogs Open would be played on Friday, June 23rd at Pickering Valley. “The pre-tournament lunch, award ceremony and entertainment will be the same as this year! See you at LaTaverna at 11:00 AM. Mark the Date!”