Steve,

The Areno Award is a small tombstone with a black cat on it.

The award symbolizes Areno’s murder of an innocent black cat at Meadowbrook GC in 1981 when he hit an errant drive that hit the cat in the head and killed it.

Cat Killer

Those superstitious hogs claim that his golf game has been cursed since that day. Areno has been trying to shake that curse ever since. He is hoping that by awarding the title to someone else, they will assume his curse. Fat Chance!

Likes Dubes

Groovy,

The stories of Nostradamus are well know and the source of much speculation. However, the man never wrote of the grand Re-Opening. However, he did have a much fatter, dumber, and unsavory younger brother called Nostrahoggendamus who was very fond of food, particularly ice cream.

Nostrahoggendamus

Like you, this Nostrahoggendamus fellow used to smoke a few dubes and eat ice cream until he got this huge sugar buzz. Then, he would start to write these drug & sugar induced quatrains. I was able to find one that comes eerily close to a prediction. After reading it, you better think about booking your flight now, before it’s too late.

On zee day that is long At zee Rock will they meet
In zee year of zee two Through zee night they will laughfe
Hogs will take wings For zee beer will be flowing
And fly to zee zoo! At zee Hog Rock Caffe!

Maggie,

It is true that most people get sentenced to Maine, but there are a handful of sturdy souls who go there to commune with nature. Seems that Tis has a small business as a Whale Watching Guide. It’s a short season but profitable. He spends the rest of the year spewing yarns from his own blow hole while drinking himself into a nightly stupor.

                    
Whale Watching in Maine            Drunken Stupor??

Malcolm,

You are correct. The flaming asshole from Rye Beach made his presence known when he streaked across the golf course on his way to the 19th hole. As usual, the police tried to chase him down as he swore racial epitaphs at them. Same old Sly!

Sly Makes An Appearance

Famous Fur Trapper

Pete,

It is true that Dale was on his own unique meal plan while he attended college. This mystery muncher got his nick name because he was a four time IF fur burger eating champion. He used to battle it out each year with his fraternity brother Pete “The Pube” Shaffer for the title.

Pubic Combatant?

He was overheard bragging at the Hog Rock Grand Opening, “I used to eat more rug in a month than the entire Women’s PGA tour does in a year!” This picture is from his private collection. One can only wonder what he did with the clippings?

Who Bagged The Clippings?

Maco,

That rumor has been around for some time, so I decided to check it out myself. They say a picture is worth a thousand words, but judging from this picture, the man from Nantucket has some competition. The unanswered part of this age old limerick verse is whether this man prefers to suck it or give it a lick.

Big Head on Dick's Shaft

Pink,

The sight of this strange creature from another planet has always frightened children. They say that strange reddish glow to his head comes from a small nuclear reactor he has for a brain. Recently he has perfected the habit of removing his eyeballs from his sockets. He claims to have learned the trick from Jammer who developed it as a way to see his penis.

Scary Lookin' Dude

There's The Beef!

Greg,

It is true that these two inseparable behemoths have always argued who carries the most beef. At the recent Hogs Open there was a showdown between the Beefy Barrister and Jammer “Hippo Woods” Mathas. In the end, there could be no disputing who would walk away with this year’s title. Hands up or hands down, Hippo Woods brought home the bacon.

Bringing Home The Bacon

Jane,

I don’t know about everyone else, but I never even noticed your damn picture. I couldn’t take my eyes off those magnificent mangoes of Bethanne. However, your problem is not unique. I have heard this issue has come up in several homes. The kids see that cute little Hog Rock logo and just rip open the mail. Although it would be easy to criticize the publisher, this is about raising your children to respect your privacy. I suspect the real cause of your dilemma is simply a case of bad parenting.

Case of Bad Parenting