Got a question? Ask Artie 2003
Artie,
I’ve heard rumors that Gotch and Rock are dead. I’ve been down in Hell for a few months and haven’t run into them yet. Ain’t no fuckin’ way those two scumbags are in heaven, so where the hell are they hiding?
Richard—Phoenixville,
PA
Despite rumors of his death, Gotch was recently sited in Libertyville, IL. He said he’s already spent his time in Hell with Kathy and he ain’t going back!
Already Spent Time in Hell
As far as Rock is concerned, he was last seen by Vince on the back of a milk carton.
Has Anybody Seen This Hog?
Artie,
I was saddened to hear of the death of Saddam Hussein’s two sons. They were a couple of real party animals. Who do you think was the biggest asshole, Odai or Qusai?
Larry—Beaver, PA
World Class Assholes
Larry,
There’s no question that both of Saddam’s sons were world class assholes, but my vote for biggest dead asshole would go to Tom “The Chairman” Anzio. After getting elected Chairman of the Asshole Advisory Council in 2001, no one has seen him since.
Biggest Dead Asshole
Artie,
Have the Hogs taken any precautions to avoid dehydration this year at Myrtle Beach?
Bruce—Malvern, PA
Bruce,
To insure the safety of all the Myrtle Beach Hogs, we have hired a full-time nurse to oversee the event.
As far as Booze is concerned, we plan to hook him up to a vodka I.V. for the entire event. Our only remaining concern is what to do about Denny Anzio when he comes in stumbling drunk.
Stumbling
Drunk
Artie,
I have heard that big pussy Kat is still whining about an old knee injury that I laid on him back in college. If that is true, could you please tell that pencil-necked geek I will personally choke the living shit out of him if I hear he is still bad mouthing me.
Chris—Tempe,
AZ
Chris,
Yes, I’m afraid it’s true. Kat was once-again whining about “Bag’s cheapshot” at the Hogs Open. Now he can barely walk and it’s all your fault. If I were you I would go ahead and choke him.
Big Pussy Choker
Artie,
What ever
happened to all the Hogs Open belts? There used to be at least three, but only
that old tattered original showed up at the Hogs Open. I hope they haven’t been
stolen again. Even with my nitro pills, I don’t think my heart could take it.
John—New
Hope, PA
John,
Nobody really cares anymore. You can keep them.
Artie,
Whatever happened to that Hogs softball flash-in-the-pan “The Answer”? He was such hot shit last year and now he’s gone.
Noel—Chester
Springs PA
Noel,
We checked out this question with Director of Player Personnel, a.k.a. Mr. Intangible, Andy DeOrzio who stated, “the problem was he was the answer to the wrong question.”
The Answer
Ponders the Wrong Question?
Artie,
It seems to me that the Hogs are shrinking. Jammer’s now a lean machine and even F. Lee Saltzman looked slimmer. I’m scared I will become the last of the Bulky Behemoths. Should I worry?
Dale—Vineland,
NJ
Dale,
Never fear, you are not alone. Pat Chiampi has pledged to put on all the weight that Jammer and F. Lee have lost.
Still a Bulky Behemoth
Artie,
Is there any truth to the rumor that Fat & Sassy dumped
www.hogrockcafe.com from his internet server and left thousands of hog web surfers out in the cold for several weeks?
Tom—Libertyville,
IL
Tom,
No one likes to hear about a fraternity brother stabbing another fraternity brother in the back. Unfortunately, Dennis James, a.k.a. Fat & Sassy, did that to the Hog Rock Café Webmaster. When I spoke with Zip, he was still bitter. “First he dumped his wife, and then the rat bastard dumped me.
Rat Bastard?
Maybe when he is done boinking the Doublemint twins, he will want to twist that knife he stuck in my back.”
Double The Fun?
Artie,
How come that scumbag Tom Anzio, who was elected Chairman of the Myrtle Beach Asshole Advisory Counsel last year, did not come to Myrtle Beach this year?
Denny—Beaver,
PA
Denny,
Of all the lame, bullshit excuses that I’ve every heard, Tom “The Chairman” Anzio won this year’s award for the most feeble excuse. He talked about some ridiculous bullshit of having to escort his daughter onto the field for some lame homecoming court. The man is a bigger asshole than that flamer he has as a brother.
Bigger Asshole
Than Brother?
But he still has a long way to go to catch up to the Big Bitty, who is the man who put Big into Big Asshole.
Beaver's Biggest
Asshole?
Artie,
As a long time Chardonnay sipper, I have always wondered if there are rules of thumb that you can provide me on how to classify Chardonnay Sippers. Is it true that all Chardonnay sippers are liberal assholes or are there any exceptions to the rule?
Tom—Telford,
PA
Tom,
Chardonnay falls below cat urine and above Reunite in the beverage hierarchy. There are two key rules on Chardonnay Sippers.
Rule #1—All people who sip that vile California swill are considered
typical screaming assholes in my book. The Fitzer brothers would be textbook examples since they drink all three.
Typical Screaming Assholes?
Rule #2—If you sip Chardonnay and you ever admired a Kennedy, were a hippie, or voted for Clinton, Dukakis, or Gore you are a
flaming liberal asshole. Doc Quack, Wendell and Jammer would fall into this category. Although Jammer would easily qualify even if he didn’t drink Chardonnay.
Flaming Liberal Assholes