Got a question? Ask Artie
Artie,
We have all heard about the capture of Saddam in that spider hole and the death of his two sons. I was curious if Saddam had any siblings. Are any of them still alive and what do they do for a living these days?
Dave—Marmora, NJ
Dave,
Saddam has several brothers who are still alive. Older brother Saddirt runs an illegal liquor store in their home town of Tikrit where he “barely breaks even”.
Saddam Saddirt
He also has younger twin brothers Jammard & Bittim. Jammard has always been “The Pig of the Family” and was the role model for Saddam’s sons Uday and Qufay. Jammard is now training his own son to follow in his footsteps. The other twin Bittim ekes out a living as a professional asshole in the town of Beavrit in western Iraq. Much like his older brother Saddam, Bittim spends his days hiding in a large bung hole which serves as his office.
Bittim Jammard
Artie,
What was with the last issue of Hog Rock News? It was, at best, an incredibly bad attempt at a best of Hog Rock’s previous editions. Who’s the dumb cocksucker who edited that intolerably lame piece of shit?
Steve
— King of Prussia, PA
Steve,
You were not the only one to notice “that piece of shit” that came out last year. The true editor of Hog Rock News, Macos, had taken the last 16 months off to recharge his creative batteries. The webmaster of that lame excuse for a website known as www.hogrockcafe.com and one of his bumbling staffers made what most have called a feeble attempt to publish the last edition.
Dumb
Bumbling
Cocksucker
Staffer
When he found out, Macos was furious that someone had fouled his cherished paper and has come back with a vengeance. If you have any doubt that he’s back, check in with Wendell.
Furious True Editor
Artie,
There have been so many assholes who have played for the Stable Hogs. Who is the biggest asshole of all time?
Andy—West
Conshy, PA
Andy,
That is truly a great question. If you just wanted the biggest smacked ass The Answer would be easy! In reality there is no question it belongs to his dildo-headed pal Noel.
The Answer? No Question
Artie,
There are a lot of Hog out there that are getting a little long in the snout. Of all the Hogs you know, which one do you think is showing they have abused their body the most?
Mike—Johnstown,
PA
Mike,
This is really a tough question. Years of drinking and drug abuse usually does not slow the ravages of age. There are some really scary Hogs out there, but you know I never like to dodge a tough question. There are quite a few that deserve to be honored. Fat Larry, a.k.a. F. Lee Saltzman looks like he has been eating his clients,
Eating His Clients?
Champy looks like he escaped from a nursing home,
Nursing Home Escapee?
Fat Al Calabria has been rumored to be wearing Depends,
Wearing Depends?
and Gotch looks like he’s a client of the County Coroner.
Client of County Coroner?
But Kat is absolutely the scariest. He could easily pass for the Grim Reaper’s grandfather.
Grim Reaper's Grandfather?
Artie,
I was at the Hooter’s 2003 Christmas Party and overheard that drunken asshole Wendell whining to anyone who would listen that Hog Rock News has never printed a complementary photo of him in any of their issues. Is this guy the biggest loser to ever walk the planet, or does the editor really have it out for him?
Tom—Telford,
PA
Tom,
There are two simple truths about Wendell. The first is that Wendell is one of those sad Theta Chi’s losers who toasted their brains back in college and his gray matter has been running on empty ever since. The second simple truth is that Wendell has never gotten over the fact that he became “Macos’ Bitch” when he got his ass kicked at Myrtle Beach in 2002.
Longtime Macos Bitch
Even though I doubt this will help his perpetual whining, I was able to dig into the Hog Rock archives and find the only other complimentary photo of him which exists.
Complimentary Photo
Personally, if I ran into Wendell, I would just tell him to keep his big fat mouth shut. The editor is on record as saying “Doesn’t that idiot have any idea how powerful I am. If he keeps fucking with me, I’ll have his head sticking out of Mother Teresa’s ass!”
Don't Fuck With The Editor!
Artie,
I’ve heard rumors that Gotch and Rock are dead. I’ve been down in Hell for a few months and haven’t run into them yet. Ain’t no fuckin’ way those two scumbags are in heaven, so where the hell are they hiding?
Richard—Phoenixville,
PA
Despite rumors of his death, Gotch was recently sited in Libertyville, IL. He said he’s already spent his time in Hell with Kathy and he ain’t going back!
Already Spent Time in Hell
As far as Rock is concerned, he was last seen by Vince on the back of a milk carton.
Has Anybody Seen This Hog?
Artie,
I was saddened to hear of the death of Saddam Hussein’s two sons. They were a couple of real party animals. Who do you think was the biggest asshole, Odai or Qusai?
Larry—Beaver, PA
World Class Assholes
Larry,
There’s no question that both of Saddam’s sons were world class assholes, but my vote for biggest dead asshole would go to Tom “The Chairman” Anzio. After getting elected Chairman of the Asshole Advisory Council in 2001, no one has seen him since.
Biggest Dead Asshole
Artie,
Have the Hogs taken any precautions to avoid dehydration this year at Myrtle Beach?
Bruce—Malvern, PA
Bruce,
To insure the safety of all the Myrtle Beach Hogs, we have hired a full-time nurse to oversee the event.
As far as Booze is concerned, we plan to hook him up to a vodka I.V. for the entire event. Our only remaining concern is what to do about Denny Anzio when he comes in stumbling drunk.
Stumbling
Drunk
Artie,
I have heard that big pussy Kat is still whining about an old knee injury that I laid on him back in college. If that is true, could you please tell that pencil-necked geek I will personally choke the living shit out of him if I hear he is still bad mouthing me.
Chris—Tempe,
AZ
Chris,
Yes, I’m afraid it’s true. Kat was once-again whining about “Bag’s cheapshot” at the Hogs Open. Now he can barely walk and it’s all your fault. If I were you I would go ahead and choke him.
Big Pussy Choker
Artie,
What ever
happened to all the Hogs Open belts? There used to be at least three, but only
that old tattered original showed up at the Hogs Open. I hope they haven’t been
stolen again. Even with my nitro pills, I don’t think my heart could take it.
John—New
Hope, PA
John,
Nobody really cares anymore. You can keep them.
Artie,
Whatever happened to that Hogs softball flash-in-the-pan “The Answer”? He was such hot shit last year and now he’s gone.
Noel—Chester
Springs PA
Noel,
We checked out this question with Director of Player Personnel, a.k.a. Mr. Intangible, Andy DeOrzio who stated, “the problem was he was the answer to the wrong question.”
The Answer
Ponders the Wrong Question?
Artie,
It seems to me that the Hogs are shrinking. Jammer’s now a lean machine and even F. Lee Saltzman looked slimmer. I’m scared I will become the last of the Bulky Behemoths. Should I worry?
Dale—Vineland,
NJ
Dale,
Never fear, you are not alone. Pat Chiampi has pledged to put on all the weight that Jammer and F. Lee have lost.
Still a Bulky Behemoth
Artie,
Is there any truth to the rumor that Fat & Sassy dumped
www.hogrockcafe.com from his internet server and left thousands of hog web surfers out in the cold for several weeks?
Tom—Libertyville,
IL
Tom,
No one likes to hear about a fraternity brother stabbing another fraternity brother in the back. Unfortunately, Dennis James, a.k.a. Fat & Sassy, did that to the Hog Rock Café Webmaster. When I spoke with Zip, he was still bitter. “First he dumped his wife, and then the rat bastard dumped me.
Rat Bastard?
Maybe when he is done boinking the Doublemint twins, he will want to twist that knife he stuck in my back.”
Double The Fun?
Artie,
How come that scumbag Tom Anzio, who was elected Chairman of the Myrtle Beach Asshole Advisory Counsel last year, did not come to Myrtle Beach this year?
Denny—Beaver,
PA
Denny,
Of all the lame, bullshit excuses that I’ve every heard, Tom “The Chairman” Anzio won this year’s award for the most feeble excuse. He talked about some ridiculous bullshit of having to escort his daughter onto the field for some lame homecoming court. The man is a bigger asshole than that flamer he has as a brother.
Bigger Asshole
Than Brother?
But he still has a long way to go to catch up to the Big Bitty, who is the man who put Big into Big Asshole.
Beaver's Biggest
Asshole?
Artie,
As a long time Chardonnay sipper, I have always wondered if there are rules of thumb that you can provide me on how to classify Chardonnay Sippers. Is it true that all Chardonnay sippers are liberal assholes or are there any exceptions to the rule?
Tom—Telford,
PA
Tom,
Chardonnay falls below cat urine and above Reunite in the beverage hierarchy. There are two key rules on Chardonnay Sippers.
Rule #1—All people who sip that vile California swill are considered
typical screaming assholes in my book. The Fitzer brothers would be textbook examples since they drink all three.
Typical Screaming Assholes?
Rule #2—If you sip Chardonnay and you ever admired a Kennedy, were a hippie, or voted for Clinton, Dukakis, or Gore you are a
flaming liberal asshole. Doc Quack, Wendell and Jammer would fall into this category. Although Jammer would easily qualify even if he didn’t drink Chardonnay.
Flaming Liberal Assholes