Got a question? Ask Artie 2000
(Edited for the web)
Artie,
I may have to give up drinking. I was at Hooters the other day and swear I saw the Man in the Moon right inside the place. Should I go on the wagon?
Booze—Malvern, PA
Booze,
No need to lay off the sauce. You probably just saw Dan McDade’s monstrous moon head. There are tales of rare celestial events that occur with this head. If his head passes in front of the Sun or Greg Bentz at the right angle, it can produce a total eclipse.
Case of Mistaken Identity
Artie,
There is a lot of buzz going around about the Stable Hogs “Young Guns of the McNew Millennium.” Word has it they set a record and won two play off games this year. What can you tell me about them?
Areno, King of Prussia, PA
Areno,
I would not get too excited about the so called “Young Guns of The McNew Millennium.” They backed into the playoffs with a 9-15 record. There they knocked off those two toughies Jerry’s Kids and Geriatrics' for Jesus in the playoffs. They got another of those one year wonders, Noel “Mc Nude” McNew. If his bat was as big as his mouth, he’d be in the hall of fame. Give me Macos and Zip any day over these misfits.
Young Guns of the McNew Millennium
Artie,
I am caught in a hopeless marriage to a complete dufus. He thinks he is entertaining, but the truth is he is just plain annoying. Any advice?
Mrs. Ski—Perkasie, PA
Mrs. Ski,
I can feel your pain. Thousands of women are stuck in marriages to dufuses. My wife thinks I am a complete dufus and finds me annoying. I suggest you seek out a support group and learn to live with the asshole. My wife has found Prozac with a vodka chaser helps take the edge off. Give it a try.
Prozac?
Artie,
I saw Doodle at a bar the other day. He had a mental patient type stare that he kept giving the waitress. Is he loosing it?
Judge Jimmy, Trappe, PA
Jimmy,
Doodle was just showing his age. He’s too vain to get glasses, but couldn’t resist a good cleavage check.
Cleavage Checker?
Artie,
How come no one can find any pictures of the elusive Marty “Fiber” Glassman?
Chuckers—Oceanside, CA
Chucks,
Marty has this thing about photos stealing his karma, but don’t worry. I have my legion of Artie’s Army on the lookout for any documented pictures of this recluse. I’ll keep you posted if they can find one of him.
Artie's Army
Artie,
I heard that Judge Jimmy is about to launch his own line of food. I haven’t missed many good meals and I am always up for a good one. What’s the scoop?
Malcolm– West Chester, PA
Malcolm,
Yes it is true. Judge Jimmy, who has always liked having his palms greased, is coming out with Judge Jimmy’s Greasy Chicken Wings. Says the Judge, “If you grease my palm, I’ll grease yours.” Shown with his first customer, early word is his wings are number one.
#1 Chicken Wings
Artie,
What was the result of the recount that was demanded for best wife nickname at the Hog Rock Café Grand Opening.
Mrs. Give It a Lick—Malvern, PA
Mrs. G.I.A.L,
After numerous recounts, checking of dimpled chads, and several Supreme Court interventions, it turns out there was a tie. Mrs. The Pube and Mrs. Eat a Beaver were anointed co-holders of the coveted title. Mrs. Fat Fuckin’ Farmer held out to the end, but delivered a very compelling concession speech congratulating the ultimate winners.
Co-title Holders
Artie,
There was a very disturbed looking fat man at the Hog Rock Café Grand Opening who appeared to be trying to mount the roasted pig. Who was this guy, and is he some kind of sex pervert?
Pizza Pie—Cheswick, PA
Pizza Pie,
The person you saw was Dennis “Fat & Sassy” James and yes he is a sex pervert. However, he was not trying to grease this roasted pig, he was just getting in position to eat the whole thing before Bentz did. I spoke with F&S and he had this to say, “I respect Greg, but there was no way I was going to let him wolf that baby down before me!”
Fat & Greasy Competing with Bentz?
Artie,
Can someone explain to me why Danny Miller has turned into such a big load since he left school. He hasn’t even responded to the Grand Opening?
Ski—Perkasie, PA
Dear Ski,
The Danny Miller mystery is one that almost defies explanation. This once robust party animal has turned into one lazy piece of crap. If I had 10 more of him, I’d lose to Jerry’s Kids!
Artie,
Did J.T. fall off the face of the earth or what? I heard rumors that he is the real Unibomber.
Wendell—Telford, PA
Dear Wendell,
In spite of the many rumors about the burlap fashion plate of the 60’s, he is alive and well in Lansdale. He’s gone totally mainstream. However, miss manners could give him a lesson or two about responding to a party invitation!
Artie,
Is it true that Greg Bentz slept with as many women as Wilt during his college days?
Scratch—Berwyn, PA
Scratch,
When it came to sex, Greg was a legend in his own mind. Unfortunately, he has let himself fall apart since this picture was taken. He now gets weighed at truck stops and goes by the title “The Goodyear Bentz” these days.
Artie,
A friend of mine recently got divorced from his wife of 20 years. I’m not sure if I played a part in this with some liberties I took with her at a party a few years ago. Any advice?
Binky—Malvern, PA
Dear Binky,
If my memory serves me well there was an alleged mad rapist named Binky who terrorized an East Brunswick community one evening about twenty some years ago. Fortunately, the woman’s fiancée named Kalamar gave his sex fiend fraternity brother the benefit of the doubt. Kalamar who later married this woman recently lamented, “ If I only knew then what I know now, I could have saved myself twenty years of a roller coaster ride and 50% of my net assets. If that doesn’t qualify me as a huge a-hole, nothing will.”
Artie,
I was hoping to see Mike “Fogarty” Johnson, but that squinty-eyed fat pig didn’t show up or even send his regrets. I am worried that something may have happened to him. Did he get hit by another wrecking ball?
Ski—Perkasie, PA
Dear Ski,
No need to worry. Johnson has put on a few pounds since college and now wrecking balls are afraid of getting hit by him. It seems those little slits he actually sees through finally grew together. He had to get a surgeon to cut new slits to see out of. Unfortunately, his doctor told him to keep his head up his butt to protect his eyes while he recovers. Only someone with their head up their butt would have not come to the Hog Rock grand opening!!
Artie,
I always get Flea and Fly mixed up. How do you remember their names.
Casanova—Trappe, PA
Dear Casanova,
There is one easy way I have found to tell them apart. Flea makes Jabba the Hutt look like Gordy Calloway. Fly looks small when he is standing on a piece of turd. I hope that helps.
Dear Artie,
What is worse. A Belt thief or a person who wantonly smashes other people’s possessions?
Yvonne—Chalfont, PA
Yvonne,
Not even close. A Belt thief is the lowest form of criminal. It would take a house full of rampaging Fitzers to make up for a Belt thief like Jammer.
Dear Artie,
I always thought that you were considered The Human Love Machine. Has Jammer stolen your title along with The Belt?
Maggie—Buckfield, ME
Maggie,
Everyone knows Artie was the original Human Love Machine. I sold the title on e-bay last month to a Belt thief. I now go by my new moniker the Hunka Burnin’ Love.
Dear Artie,
I couldn’t help but notice that Jammer has put on quite a bit of weight. He looks more like a Flub Machine then a Love Machine. It’s sad to see someone let themselves fall apart. What’s your cut on his physique?
Greg—Marlton, NJ
Greg,
Jammer’s explanation is that he suffers from Big Bonitis. He claims that he needs a big body to surround his big bones. He must have bones the size of dinosaurs to warrant the mass of his jumbo physique.
Dear Artie,
There is no doubt in my mind of Jammer’s guilt. He just seems too dimwitted to pull this off by himself. I was wondering if he was a conspiracy theory which might explain why “The Belt” has not been found. What is your theory?
Steve—King of Prussia, PA
Steve,
Just because Jammer took a few extra years to graduate does not mean he is dimwitted, just persistent. The only theory that possibly makes sense is that he ate it.
