The Chairman - Man on a Mission
Hog Rock Reporter
The Convention Hall at Myrtle Beach's Ocean Dunes Hotel was jammed with assholes from all over the world. Everyone was eager to get a glimpse of The Chairman and maybe get an autographed copy of his new book, Can I Help You? His legion of loyal followers came dressed in uniform proudly displaying their new logo. But The Chairman had a few tricks up his sleeve for the 2004 version of his annual convention. This year he had designated recruiters who were working the crowd of curious onlookers and hotel staffers to see if they could increase their fold.
We had a chance to spend a few minutes with The Chairman before he took the stage.
Mr. Chairman, what is your goal this year for the annual meeting of the Asshole Advisory Council?
I have always considered the opening night ceremonies to be absolutely critical to a successful convention. I know I have to get them pumped up for four days and four nights of balls-to-the-wall assholism at its best. When they leave this convention hall, they had better be tuned up and ready to get rip-roaring drunk. After the speeches are done, I need them pounding them down if they are going to start cranking it up.
Opening Night Is Critical
What do you see as this year's key match ups?
Zip and Doodle can always be counted on to go one on one with a bottle of The Captain and other forms of stimulation.
One on One With The Captain & Other Stimulants
The Z-man and McVeigh are always a good match up to see who gets pissed off first.
Who Will Get Pissed Off First?
Macos and Degnan can always be counted on for the sloppiest drunk competition.
Sloppiest Drunk Contestants
The one that really has me excited is this year's Rookie of the Year competition. Rumor has it that Booze been mentoring some stud named Judge Jimmy. I have heard the guy is a thoroughbred asshole and is known for his staying power.
Thoroughbred Asshole and his Mentor
The dark horse is a guy called Shane who goes by The Kanadian Kid. Last year's winner Dave "Mr. Excitement" Vrobel is sponsoring this raw talent. Mr. E claims the Kanadian Kid is from parts unknown in the great north wilderness.
Mr. Excitement & Dark Horse Kanadian Kid – From Parts Unknown
I'm pulling for the underdog, but I am realistic enough to know that Booze ain't going to put his seal of approval on some lackey. As for the rest, I can predict the outcome. I am expecting Eddie Money will be eyeing up his long-time bitch Rick Larkins.
Eddie Money Eyeing Up His Longtime Bitch Larkins
Mr. Golf will pay for his trip with his winnings, while Chuck Jackson will spend the whole convention looking for a few words to say.
Free Golf Trip Man of Few Words
Pink and Bolts will just sit back and piss their pants as they enjoy the annual entertainment.
Entertainment Makes Them Piss Their Pants
Can you tell us anything about your new book?
If you want to hear about my book, you will have to hear my speech. I want to save my best for my fans.
In the background The Chairman's Announcer sounded one last warning. "The Chairman will be speaking in one minute!”
The Chairman will be speaking in one minute!
With that the Chairman headed to the stage. The convention hall was filled with drunken assholes eager to hear from their moral leader.
Drunken Assholes Eager For Moral Leadership
The Chairman jumped right into his speech.
Chairman Starts His Speech
“The trouble with all you assholes is you’re a bunch of selfish hogs! The asshole lifestyle is being threatened, and all you assholes worry about is getting your own buzz."
“Our Asshole Lifestyle Is Being Threatened”
As I look out into this crowd, I want you to ask yourself these questions:
Oil Over Dead Hogs?
The crowd shouted back, “Fuck No!”
Once again the crowd shouted back, “Fuck No!”
Bring Back the Booze?
Would He Let Hogs Die
While Drinking Last Beer?
One more time the crowd responded, “Fuck No!”
I am here to tell you tonight, this has to change. I have decided to revamp the Asshole Advisory Council. We are going to be focusing on our new motto, Assholes Helping Assholes.
I have written a new book about this subject to help every fucking asshole. I call it, Can I help you?
New Book for Every Fucking Asshole
From now on, it is not going to be enough to get your own buzz. You need to be working for the greater good of all hogs. When someone is drunk and thinking about calling it a night, you got to get that asshole back in the game. You have to ask that question, Can I help you? Get that asshole a beer, get him a shot, get him stumbling drunk until his credit card is maxed out! That’s what I’m talking about!
Maxing Out Your Gold Card
That’s What The Chairman Is Talking About!
Since my brother Denny died, I consider myself as a Man on a Mission to keep his memory alive!
Denny Wants You!
If Pat Robertson can establish his Christian 700 Club, then I want to establish my own Asshole 700 Club in Denny’s honor. Until we have 700 members, my mission is not accomplished.
Pat Robertson’s 700 Club
Charter Members of The Chairman’s 700 Club
Shit! If an asshole like Barry Bonds can hit 700, I know we can. You assholes have got to get out there and recruit until we reach our target.
Newest Asshole in 700 Club
We need to remember the lessons Denny taught us:
Rehab is for Quitters
I need more charter members of the Asshole 700 Club who have that same kind of spirit. Now get out there, get big, and help another hog get bigger than he could ever imagine!
Can I count on you? Let’s do it for Denny!
Myrtle Beach Legend