Dear Web Meister,

Before I am called before a Congressional Inquiry Board, FAA Fact Finding Committee and the AA Candidate of the Year Award Committee, I must give an eyewitness account of events leading up to the incident on USAir Flight 278 on 9/30/02.

My first indication of potential trouble was when I discovered I was rooming with Macos and we were sharing a Villa with Booze and Eggy. 

Roommates Looking for Trouble

Deja Vu all over again.  The 1.75L of Dewar's was there before I checked in.

Villa Was Stocked

The first two days were fairly typical of a Hogs excursion to Myrtle Beach. Lots of  laughs, some of the most unbelievably bad golf even seen, and consumption of cigars, food and alcohol well with "normal" levels.

The trouble started Saturday after the Annual Scramble. Fat & Sassy decided we needed to support the US Ryder Cup Team (LOSERS) with a HOG version of the Ryder Cup. The reasoning for this was beyond me.

Creator of the Hogs Ryder Cup
Fat & Sassy

How the Hell could any 2 of this assortment of Jerry's Kids with clubs do better than 4??  Once the teams were selected, it was TROUBLE in Myrtle City with a capital T and I don't mean the T's at Masters. Macos short circuited and started running around yelling and screaming for his Bitch, Wendell Casani. "Where's my Bitch? Where's my Bitch"??

Macos With His Bitch

My luck was holding firm, after getting bumped from my flight down and paired with Zip in the scramble, I got Booze as my Ryder Cup partner.

Scramble & Ryder Cup Partners

Booze being the diplomat and peacemaker attempted to control Macos' raving by drinking more than his share of the brown stuff. Somehow this plan didn't work and Booze almost ended up being Macos' Fat City Boy.

Macos' Fat City Boy

The Ryder Cup started innocent enough. Booze and I won the first hole and were immediately chewed up, spit out, and stomped on by Steve Edwards (I think I'll throw a couple of natural birdies) and Tom McVey losing the front
6 to 1.

Kicked Bolton & Booze's Ass

Booze then suggested we change plans and start drinking in excess rather than just heavily. Lucky for us the format on the back was alternate shot and Tom McVey earned best man on our team by hitting more balls in bad places than Booze and I combined. We did manage to snatch a tie from the jaws of victory by putting 3 balls in the drink on the last hole.

Sunday night was the Main Event. Macos, instead of slapping his Bitch Casani around the course was himself Bitch-slapped by the Myrtle pioneer. With nothing to do but finish the bottle, Macos and Booze proceeded to kill Mr. Dewar's, throwing in a Booze traveling standup routine and imitations of Robin Williams.

The details of Monday are unclear.  I was not a witness to the final round, although I heard first hand reports that Booze set a new world record for 10's at Hummingbird and was emitting a stranger than normal odor.

Stinking Booze

Everyone thought it was the stink of his golf game.  The trip to the airport was uneventful although Booze did miss the call for early boarding of people with impairments. Booze would qualify based on his score alone. The plane took off and within minutes people in the back were screaming for medical attention. Despite early reports that some old bald guy in the back had a seizure, it turned out Booze has become completely dehydrated. The early signs of recovery were when Booze requested that they "freshen up his IV, it was looking a little clear".

Macos immediately postponed the First Annual Booze Memorial and badgered every passenger on the plane, "did anyone get a picture of Booze being wheeled out of the plane"?

Looking for Pictures

I don't know about anyone one else but this performance by Booze including:

Freaked Out Rookies

Makes Booze my HOG OF THE WEEK.

Your Eyewitness Reporter,

Bolts

Eyewitness Bolts