(Edited for the web)
Hog Wars End!
President Defuses Bitter Controversy at Camp David
President Recognizes Unsung Heroes in Hog War Settlement
Peace Makers Speak Out In Support
Neville Chamberlain, Former Prime Minister of England made the bold pronouncement, “At last, we have found a great peacemaker for the new millennium. Macos’ unselfishness will bring us Peace in our Time. ”
Mahatma Ghandi told his followers, “People like this Macos come along once in a millennium. He is the rare mix of great peacemaker, talented promoter, statesman, writer, brilliant scholar, and one of the greatest hogs in history. People should bow their heads in his presence. He will bring us peace for the next 1000 years.”
Carter Joins Celebration
Former President Jimmy Carter joined the celebration at the signing of the settlement agreement. I thought my late brother Billy was a pig, but these hogs are the biggest a-holes I have ever met. I have agreed to sponsor a new charity called Habitat for Hogmanity. To hell with the homeless, I want to look out for my own buzz.”
Hog of the Century Trophy Awarded
On a night that was filled with superlatives, the highlight of the evening was the presentation of the coveted Hog of the Century Trophy. To no one’s surprise, Macos walked away with the treasured award. “I’m still in shock” said an emotional Macos as he fought back the tears. “I knew I was the obvious choice. There are so many others who didn’t deserve this award.” Shown here receiving the award from fellow Super Hog Zip, the recluse Macos tries to hide his surprise at winning the title and trophy.
Buys trophy but
didn't deserve it
Sphinctlock Holmes Sphinctometer
The Hog is Ready to Rock
Hog Scandal Revealed!!
Jane “Plain Jane” Gerber-Heflin recently revealed that Charlie “Bolts” Bolton had a secret affair with a young black woman shortly before he was married. Turns out the old Boltmeister also had a bastard love child. Although unconfirmed, the late Shirley Hemphill star of the hit TV show “What’s Happening” is rumored to be the bearer of Bolts affection. A number of Theta Chi fraternity brothers have since recalled seeing Charlie regularly sneaking a large sassy black woman meeting Shirley’s description out of his room in the wee hours of the morning. The young child, nicknamed “Dog” for his good looks, is rumored to still be in the area. Rumor has it that Bolts is in Phyllis’ “Dog” House.
Bentz Bankrupts Buffet
The management of the West Conshohocken Marriott declared bankruptcy shortly after Greg Bentz single handedly consumed their entire buffet in one sitting Sunday morning. “It was like watching a When Animals Attack video”, said one waitress. It was the 163rd buffet that has fallen pray to Greg’s appetite this year. Said Greg, “It was the best $11.95 I ever invested. I have been on the Jammer 24 meal a day diet, so buffets work best for me. I knew if I worked at it, I could nudge-out Flea & Jammer for the Hog Rock’s Fat Bastard Award.” Shown here as he polished off the last piece of food in the hotel, Greg gleamed, “Pick me some boogers, I’m still hungry!!!”