Super Hog Debates-1988

Super Hog Debates of 1988
by Macos, Tom Sommers
Jim Loughran and Bruce Crowly

REVOKING GEORGE’S SUPER HOG STATUS

You are being served formal notice that your tenure as a SUPER HOG will be reviewed by the SUPER HOG executive committee on April 9, 1988 at 4 PM at the Lionville Firehouse. The executive committee will be reviewing the following charges against you:

2. Failure to invite the SUPER HOGS to your alleged wedding (we’re still available on short notice).

You will be expected to stand before the executive committee and defend yourself against these charges. A failure to appear will be interpreted as an admission of guilt.

1. Title of SUPER HOG will be stripped from you and cast away like a used sheet of tin foil.

2. All records of your accomplishments (most shots of oil in a day(80), opening day parking & concessions chairman, bouncing fat man in front, Quaalude tossing with Woo, etc., etc.) will be purged from the SUPER HOG archives.

3. All other titles you have held (King of Sigma Pi, Rammer, 49th Street Oiler, Hog of the Year - 1975,1977, Best Individual Hogger - 1973,1974,1976,1977,1978, Hog of the Decade) will also be cast into the sea of oblivion just like the windows at 49th Street.

4. You will be put on the SUPERHOG waiting list behind Flea and Jammer as just another "HOG in waiting".

5. You will never again be allowed to claim P'ville as your home and Nick and Helen will no longer recognize you as their son.

It is extremely important that you stand before your peers and answer these charges. We urgently await the opportunity for you to clear your name before it is too late.

P.S.      If you don't come, you won't be missed.                                                                  cc:    Ben E. Davidson
                                                                                                                                                       Jammer Mathas
P.P.S.   "A SUPER HOG's mind is a terrible thing not to waste!"                                                        Flea Berhang
            Anna Decercio-1973

Received your notice to Mr. Hrebien today and I am deeply saddened to read these grave accusations. However the shock of this notice stirred some of my still living brain cells and this brings me to the point of this letter.

Accusation No. 1 is incorrect. Super Hog lore is clear (or as clear as a Superhogs’s memory can be) that there were 8 original Super Hogs. They are (were): Dirt, Booze, Eggy, Otto, Pung, Zip, Bennie & “G”. Macos was the first person to be selected from the masses and given “Super Hog” status and as I remember, he was once “Rookie of the Year”, an award that, by definition, is impossible for an original Super Hog to receive.

I recognize that Macos has been an outstanding Super Hog & has contributed much to the Super Hog annals (i.e. barfing down the steps at Sherwood in order to receive “Hog of the Year” points every time someone used the steps; master of the dildo funny face; has caught more garters and bouquets, individually and combined totals, at Hog weddings than anyone else; part of the “Hogger” Rules Committee; etc.), but he is not an original Super Hog.

Point - Counter Point

Those “still living brain cells” are obviously the ones which made you decide to live in Saudi Arabia.

Your sense of memory and mathematical expertise must be recognized – They Suck! Every other Super Hog, Sigma Pi, Democrat, Republican, French Hog, and God, know that there were seven (7) original Super Hogs, which begot the “Hogs Dozen”, which is defined by the following equation:

SH x 2 = 14

As the oldest, wisest and most sane Super Hog (Well, one out of three ain’t bad), I clearly recall the original seven as follows:

Zip             Booze
      Pung           Benny
      Eggs           Otto
      G

There has always been some dissension as to whether Benny or Macos was an original Super Hog. Those who think Macos was an original would also move to Saudi Arabia if given the chance. You are correct, however, in pointing out that Macos was Rookie of the Year and was inducted into the “Hog of Fame” shortly thereafter.

Dirt was also inducted shortly thereafter, when everyone recognized his exclusion as an oversight. (Note: Dirt being an oversight is obviously an incongruity, a conflict of terms) The selection of the original seven took place in early 1974, and the indoctrination took place at the Super Hog Shrine at 533 S. 49^th St.

Although I was never voted “Hog of the Year”, (A title which I will probably carry forever), I have attended every Brainfry, witnessed all of the legendary performances, and stepped in Macos’ Barf – which is more than you can say.

Your priorities are in question and your attendance at Hog sanctioned functions is deplorable (i.e. Benny and George have attended more hoggers than you this decade). Now that you are back in the area, excuses such as “my flight was hijacked” don’t mean shit. We understand that you couldn’t come, and believe me you weren’t missed.

As the self proclaimed SSH (Sage Super Hog), I would like to see you return to the fold (No sheep joke intended). Let’s get together and break bread (Followed by bottles, chairs, windows, etc) for old times sake.

Failure to respond to this invitation within 15 days will result in placing your name after Jammer’s on the waiting list.

Booze

cc:        Zip       Macos
            Pung     Dirt
            Eggs     Benny
            G

Point - Counter Point - Counter Counter Point

What has happened to us? A once proud organization that wrought fear into every Hippie, Bar Owner and Landlord is showing signs that it is going through a mid-life crisis (Hogapause if you will). It is true that we are all getting a little "long in the snout" and our memories have been fogged by a few too many Metaxas. But this is no reason to begin turning on each other. We have lost one Super Hog and shunned another. Enough is enough. As we head toward our twilight years we should be trying to preserve our organization, not break it apart. It is time for us to "come together" and bury the hatchets. Let us stop bickering about who was original and who wasn't. We have come too far together. Let us "Give Peace a Chance".

It is in this vein of brotherhood that I would like to set the Hog History Books straight as we reflect on our proud past.

Otto, you ignorant male slut. So glad to hear that you're still alive! I always knew I couldn't stand the Irish, now I know why. Like you, they're all a bunch of pinheaded nincompoops, whose memory is as fresh as their foul breath. Your ignorance on the topic of original Super Hogs is as bad as that bimbo-brained Booze. Hell, at least Booze was half right when he said that four-eyed fat f@@k, Dirt, was not an original. But to call that worm infested corpse Benny an original, makes me want to come over and barf on your steps! Maybe that last living brain cell of yours can comprehend a little logic.

The number 7 is well steeped in Hog lore. Is it just coincidence that the mandatory two shots to get in times 7 Original Super Hogs begot the Hogs Dozen 14?

Isn't it curious that the Stable Hogs (A team whose core of players are all Original Super Hogs) all wear the same number 14?

I suppose it was luck that the 747 was chosen as the Hogs favorite sheet of tin foil?

For this exercise, let us assume that all the 7's and multiples of 7 are not random. And, that they have a purpose, and that there where 7 Original Super Hogs.

Presto! What you have left are 7 Original Super Hogs. Now that wasn't too difficult even for a pinhead or a bimbo brain, was it? Try the same exercise without the name MACOS on the list and see if you come up with the same results. Only six you say? Boy that's a real cute number. 6 “Original” Super Hogs. How ridiculous!!!

First, the term "Rookie of the Year" has never clearly been linked to any specific group or organization. My own interpretation has always been, Rookie of the Year on the Hog circuit (A fresh face if you will).

Now if you assume Macos was not an original, and he became a Super Hog at the same time he was Rookie of the Year, then how come neither Dirt nor Benny were ever afforded the same title in their rookie years? As a matter of fact, if you link Rookie of the Year with becoming a Super Hog, then I would be "Rookie Hog of the Year". That would mean I was the first person to ever hold the title of "Hog of the Year". It is not that I didn't deserve it, it is merely not how history has recorded my illustrious career.

"Always a bridesmaid, never a bride" has been his trademark. Although he may be the oldest living Super Hog, he is also the only living Super Hog never to win Hog of the Year. Although many call him a choker in the big category, he has attempted to hang in there year after year with the same act (turtles at weddings, closet shows). His letter indicates that he is rapidly approaching senility. However, I am sure some day this old warhorse of a hog will be thrown a bone and given some bullshit Lifetime Achievement or Hogs Emeritus Award. He probably deserves it. He was my mentor, but never my equal.

Hog historians have already dubbed him "the least important of the Super Hogs". To call him a flash in the pan would give other flashes in the pan a bad name. What are this man's credentials? I believe he is best known for:

A. Being out of the country for the last 10 years including four years in a country that prohibits drinking. Hell, at least Ho-Hum crippled someone with his car before he dried out.

B. A wedding reception that featured Al Raymond and the Raymonettes. (Old Al really had me hopping.)

C. Organizer of the legendary "Otto's Fondue and Culture Hogger" at Sherwood Road featuring two full bottles of wine for a house full of Hogs.

D. Co-holder of the team shots of oil record of 86 shots? By the way the individual count was Macos-76 shots, Otto-10 shots. Otto was proud that he reached double digits for the second and last time in his career.)

The answer is obvious. As a matter of fact, when the Super Hog roll call is taken, the last name invariably uttered is, "Oh yeah, Otto".

But trashing another Super Hog is not my style. I have always preferred modesty. I suppose these inane questions of originality are good for the Super Hogs because it always stimulates a conversation and recollection of our past. It is curious that maybe those Super Hogs who are most insecure about their own credentials as original Super Hogs try to cast doubt on others in order to avoid a thorough investigation of their own original status.

The travesty is that these so called Super Hogs could railroad the greatest living Super Hog of all time out of our ranks. George is undoubtedly the Babe Ruth of Super Hogs. Nobody dominated a field the way George did. Granted, the man has become a non-entity on the Hog circuit. But do you take the Bambino out of the Hall of Fame because he can no longer hit the long ball? Missing a Brainfry is serious stuff, but we're talking about the man who brought you:

And now the likes of Otto have the right to call George, Ho-Hum? Let the first Super Hog who would dare go one on one with George using any abusable substance step forward. Otherwise re-establish him to his rightful position and accept him back into the fold.