Subj: Bitty Must Be Asshollicly Challenged
Date:  12/3/01 9:30:03 PM
From: rdec@concentric.net (Dick DeCoux)
To: TomSommers@aol.com (Sommers, Tom Zip)

Dear Webmaster Zip:

Once again, we have a misguided individual who is asshollicly challenged. In the first place, if Bitty had any real idea of the magnitude of the assholes he was dealing with his book would not be titled Assholes of the World.  Instead it would be entitled Assholes of the Universe, (Why Even the Theory of Relativity Cannot Frame the Hogs as Major Assholes).

Asshollicly Challenged

Lawrence my man, if you had any true concept of the pure assholism you have so innocently stumbled upon, you would be trying to drown the very horror of it out of your mind with a personal kegger every night.  The scope of this pestilence is beyond the capability of mortal man to measure.  The sad truth is that all who come in contact with the Hogs in fact become assholes of alarming proportions.  Admittedly, guys like you and me had a head start to being all-universe assholes, but it was not until you made contact with the extraterrestrial that you became, albeit unknowingly, a galaxy-size asshole in your own right.

Babes In The Wood

The Anzio brothers can wallow in the delusion that one of them is King of the Assholes, but compared to lifelong Super Hogs like Zip, Macos, Eggy, Pung, and Booze, those two are babes in the wood.

Lifelong Super Hogs

I know this from personal experience.  I once lived with the delusion that there were not too many people in the world who could be a bigger asshole than me.  One softball game with the Hogs was all it took for that dream to be shattered.  And, while I have associated with and indeed feel I have earned the right to be a full fledged Hog, I am afraid I fall somewhat short of measuring up to most of these guys in the Asshole department.

Dick Measures Up Short

The possible exceptions are Areno and Maco. Though they are both far bigger assholes than most of you people, they just happens to have enough brain cells left to carry off the pretense of being just regular assholes. Believe me, this is far from the case.

Pretending to be Regular Assholes

By the way, I see you responded to Maggie’s dad. Now there is Galaxy Class Asshole if ever there was one.  See how easily you can be fooled !!!

Galaxy Class Asshole

While it is true that every one of the Hogs, and all of those who have had any contact with us, are assholes. There are some among us who stand cheek and big brown eye over the average Myrtle Beach attendee's in terms of their Assholeness.  Most of these guys have been banned from bars in Philly that you wouldn't want to walk into because the Asshole factor in them would make you wish you were deaf and blind. They overwhelmed even the Assholes who dwell in such dark places.

Yes Larry, we are all assholes. But do not be lulled into thinking there is not a natural hierarchy of such creatures.  There is, and most insidiously you have become one of their minions.

Minion Asshole

I believe you have what it takes to live up to the title.  Keep up the good work.