Dear Hog Rock Editor,

It's not my nature to write editorial responses, but in this case I must make an exception. There has been a miscarriage of justice like no other in the history of journalism. A wrong must be righted. So incredulous an act that I must come forth with the truth.

Deceitful Asshole Advisory Chairman?

Tom "The Chairman" Anzio has willingly and purposefully deceived each and every one of you. Not on one, but on several occasions, my asshole buddy Big Bitty caught that Clintonesque, wanna-be-chairman pouring O'Doul's N.A. into Bud cans he scavenged from the Sand Dunes dumpster.

Asshole Buddy
Big Bitty

He would then walk back into our clan merely disguised as an asshole and a drunkard. He wouldn't know 0.1 if came up and bit him in the ass. Remember that quart of Vodka he carried around every day, proudly taking one slug after another. Remember how he never once shared. Every wonder Why? Because it was filled with some expensive designer water from the French Friging Alps. You don't believe me? Ask Danny Z.

Witness Z-Man

He personally caught Tom sneaking out of his and Big Bits room with 16 empty fifths. The Z-man's pissed about losing the 5-cent deposit. Bitty was just happy there was room for more empties. An asshole doesn't try to hide his addiction to sobriety, he overcomes it and starts poundin' ponies with the boys. Other questions arise. Remember the old geezer in the green shirt?

Tom With Street Bum

He was a street bum Tom befriended. We thought Tom was jerking the old fart around. Well the truth is Tom paid for his room and breakfast; even found him a job before leaving. Don't you remember Tom wearing that stained green shirt last year? Remember Tom "kidding" about going to the Grand Ole Opry? I found the stubs. We misinterpreted his actions and he ran with it. It breaks my heart, but I must declare that my brother is not an asshole.

Not an Asshole!

Not Worthy!

He is so squeaky clean that he gets out of the shower to take a piss. Worthy of the Chairmen's position to the Asshole Advisory? I Think Not!!! The question is - what should be done? I say shun him. Banish him from our midst. Drive him off into hero land. Herd him into a stall and brand him for what he truly is, an All-American kid who never even skipped a class in thirteen years of college.

Daughters Available?

The problem will be finding a bare-to-the-bone asshole to replace him. Maybe someone can check and see if Larkins has any more daughters to marry off. That would pretty much guarantee another flamer.

Wisconsin Cheesehead

If Cheesehead Landa is representative, it would appear that Wisconsin is a breeding ground for assholes. I have an attorney friend scheduled to come next year - Christ, you know damn well he's an asshole. With all the available assholes, why should we put up with the likes of my brother?

The Real Deal Asshole
Denny Anzio

Dennis "The Real Deal " Anzio

P.S. -  Big Bitty helped to draft this letter and will swear by its' accuracy. He did, however, request that nobody him call to confirm because of, eh, um, ...time constraints and ah, ah work, yea, that's it, time constraints and work. Same with Danny Z. He's working with Hank and Angus somefriginwhere.

Hog Rock Editor Macos Responds:

Hog Rock Editor Macos

Based on the attached, it appears that there may have been a miscarriage of justice.  Or maybe just a miscarriage.  I have been informed that the alleged Chairman of the Asshole Advisory Counsel was elected under dubious circumstances.  Under normal conditions, that would only reinforce the fact that the alleged wrong doer is an asshole.  However, the attached testimony, which is yet to be authenticated and verified by "The Big Bitty", clearly brings into question the circumstances by which the Younger Anzio assumed his new title.  We will need to put our top investigative reporter, Art "Ask Artie" Swiatkowski to look into this whole affair.

Top Investigative Reporter
Artie Swiatkowski

I can assure everyone, that indeed, if a wrong has been done, this publisher will do everything in his power to right the wrong.  Failing that, I will do everything I can to sensationalize the whole affair and totally humiliate everyone involved to the point they they never raise an issue again.  The penalty for those caught performing an act of manipulation of this Publication will result in the offender's head being shown popping out of Mother Teresea's asshole!  God help the losers in this whole matter. 

Editor & Chief Executive Hog Rock News

Macos