Vatican Battle Over Pope’s Replacement
Tits Versus Ass

As the Catholic Church mourns the passing of Pope John Paul II, the politics inside the Vatican are just starting to heat up.  Hog Rock presents this exclusive report of the inside politics that will decide the Pope’s replacement.

The Vatican political scene has developed into a traditional two-party fight.  We’ve got the Republi Cans, commonly known as Tit Men, versus the Inda Pants, commonly known as Ass Men.  Hog Rock has contacted spokespersons for both parties to get the inside scoop of the favorites within each party. 

The Republi Cans spokesperson Sister Mary Milk Duds from Our Lady of Perpetual Erections convent knew her party would have an uphill struggle against the Inda Pants.  She still expressed confidence that her party would win out.

Sister Mary Milk Duds

There are still a lot of Cardinals out there who just love to see a good set of tits, just like John Paul II.  They were also known to get a little side action when they thought no one was looking.  We’ve got two eminently qualified candidates who can win the Papacy.

Cardinal Ta-Ta

Home Country: Congo
Odds 3:1

You only have to see the expression on this man’s face when he sees a nice set of knockers to know this man loves his tits.  Known for sneaking out in public without his frock, Cardinal Ta-Ta can always be seen in New Orleans at Mardi Gras and as host on various Girls Gone Wild videos.  As he is often known to scream, “I just loves them titties!” 

Cardinal Ta-Ta on Girls Gone Wild

Cardinal Dick

Home Country: France
Odds 4:1

There has never been a French pope because everyone hates them for their annoying ways.  Cardinal Dick is seen as the exception to the rule.  He has had many of the other Cardinals over to the Playboy Mansion in France where they use his personal hot tubs for confessionals. 

Cardinal Dick’s Hot Tub Party Girls

Inda Pants insider Father Ben Dover from the Order of San Franciscan Monks told of his party’s lineup and how he has them handicapped.

San Franciscan Monk - Father Ben Dover

“All the recent scandals involving priests molesting young boys have put the church on the defensive.  The Holy Father tried to cover up our dirty secrets and buy off more people than Michael Jackson. 

Best Buys Spokesperson

The mood among the Cardinals is that we need to get back to church business and get those young altar boys back in our confessionals.  We need some fresh meat! 

Fresh Meat

As a result, we are seeing a swing to a return to our traditional deviant values.  Here is my handicap of the contending Cardinals.”

Cardinal Nambla

Home Country: Namibia
Odds 2:3

Cardinal Nambla has been considered a pioneer among other Cardinals for advancing the culture of sex with children and adolescents.  He is credited with starting the Vatican franchise of the National Man-Boy Love Association.  He claims to have porked more young boys than Wilt Chamberlain porked women. 

More Than 20,000?

Among the Inda Pants, he is seen as the early favorite among priests worldwide.   

Close Ties to Nambla

He also has strong fund raising ties through his close friend and Democratic National Chairman Howard Dean.

Cardinal Cocoa

Home Country: Mexico
Odds 2:1

This non-European is given a strong chance of beating out his Inda Pants competitors.  There is not a priest who has met him that has not proclaimed they are, “Loco for the Cocoa”.  Cardinal Cocoa loves to claim, “I’ve packed the fudge of every priest in Central America.”  As a side hobby, Cocoa has done several small gay porn films including Flamingo Fudge Packers and El Bumpo in da Rumpo

Cardinal Cocoa in El Bumpo in da Rumpo

His insistence on having unprotected sex is seen as his only downside in the competition.  

Cardinals Siegfried & Roy

Home Country: Germany
Odds 3:1

Running as a unified German ticket, these two cardinals have won the Vatican’s annual Back Door Barney Award for the last 25 years.  Long time members of the Vatican hardballs team, they are well liked for their abilities as two-way players who can both pitch and catch.   Their downside is their love of pussies. 

Cardinal Sponge Boink Back Pants

Home Country: USA
Odds 5:1

A big favorite among the young boys in the church, Cardinal Sponge Boink has been know to have bedded more than his share of the prepubescent Catholic youth in the world.  

Favorite Among Prepubescent Youth

He is considered a bit of a long shot because of his preoccupation with flashing his square dick in public.

In the next few weeks we will know who will come out on top.  As always, Hog Rock will be there with the full story.

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